I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone lately. Derek has been trying to get a hold of me through some of my IM accounts and I think I’m to blame. I don’t have the same feelings for him as I used to. I’m not capable of reciprocating the feelings he has for me. It was stupid of me to even think I could speak to him like I did knowing how he felt for me.
And then browsing the GG forums wasn’t helping at all either. I’ve developed a sort of crush on a particular member. I established contact for a brief period of time, but decided not to pursue it any further. I’ve been through this already; I’m not capable of humoring something long distance; and I’m foolish enough to believe that my flawed personality and my language can be the deciding factor that allows these feelings I have to be reciprocated. Seeing his photos on the forums or anywhere else for that matter is hard, because it reiterates the fact that this is a hopeless path and nothing will become of it.
I cannot even stand to read some of the compliments people are getting. I’m too preoccupied with my own shortcomings to even appreciate the attractiveness of some of the members, or support the enthusiasm they’re receiving. I don’t feel attractive and I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. This is just something that has been with me ever since I was 12 or so. I feel utterly helpless and alone.
It’s just a multitude of things that have been affecting my attitude lately. The world is suddenly starting to cave in and I’m starting to realize the gravity of the situation I’m in. There has to be more in this life than what I’m currently experiencing and I need to find a way to break out of the prison I’ve created for myself.
For the time being I don’t have it in me to speak to anyone. I don’t feel the urge to talk. I just want to get through to the next day alive as quickly as possible.
It was after rehearsal Saturday. It was a bit after 5 and I had yet to eat anything. My sister and I stopped over to the near by Henry’s, the local grocery store for the health conscious (not to mention the financially able). Walking over towards their deli section to get a sandwich, I noticed someone familiar. It was a rather tall and lean white guy. Short blonde hair. Ivory skin. With my 2.5 inch platforms I was almost as tall as him. I noticed him a few times prior and have made it a point to come back every so often just to get a glimpse of his stature. While I was standing at the counter, my sister was totally cramping my style. She was hanging on to me and holding my arm. All throughout high school, people always had the impression that we were going out because of the way we’d act. It’s part of the reason why I don’t really like hanging out with her much. The fact that she’s so clingy is kind of stifling.
Anyway, I guess the deli clerk was busy so I’m just standing there trying to preoccupy myself with something while in the back of my head I can feel like I’m being watched or something. So I leave in a hurry and pick up a drink. When I get back he’s gone. After I pay for everything I walk outside and hold the receipt with my lips while I put my wallet away. After I get done juggling, I throw away the receipt and to my left I see him sitting down against a pillar with two other girls. I hold his gaze for a bit before smiling and walking away.
Sunday, I went out to Target. After everything was said and done, I went to the registers and noticed this guy. He had sort of an edgy look to him: Very straight and shiny black hair up to his chin, black framed glasses, black slacks, and a red Target shirt. He was working the express lane so I couldn’t go to his station and just let it go. After walking around for a few minutes, I decided to run back in and find something else to buy in the hopes of seeing him again. He wasn’t there.
Instead I got this girl who looked like she hated life and wanted to kill herself after her shift. And even though I’m at her station, I’m still looking around. After I get situated, I stand near the exit to wait on some people, and I notice that he’s back at his register. He was helping this woman and the entire time I was just staring at him. After he was done with her and she walked away, he turned around and looked directly at me and I think, oh shit. I duck and take off running.
