Moods.

I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone lately. Derek has been trying to get a hold of me through some of my IM accounts and I think I’m to blame. I don’t have the same feelings for him as I used to. I’m not capable of reciprocating the feelings he has for me. It was stupid of me to even think I could speak to him like I did knowing how he felt for me.

And then browsing the GG forums wasn’t helping at all either. I’ve developed a sort of crush on a particular member. I established contact for a brief period of time, but decided not to pursue it any further. I’ve been through this already; I’m not capable of humoring something long distance; and I’m foolish enough to believe that my flawed personality and my language can be the deciding factor that allows these feelings I have to be reciprocated. Seeing his photos on the forums or anywhere else for that matter is hard, because it reiterates the fact that this is a hopeless path and nothing will become of it.

I cannot even stand to read some of the compliments people are getting. I’m too preoccupied with my own shortcomings to even appreciate the attractiveness of some of the members, or support the enthusiasm they’re receiving. I don’t feel attractive and I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. This is just something that has been with me ever since I was 12 or so. I feel utterly helpless and alone.

It’s just a multitude of things that have been affecting my attitude lately. The world is suddenly starting to cave in and I’m starting to realize the gravity of the situation I’m in. There has to be more in this life than what I’m currently experiencing and I need to find a way to break out of the prison I’ve created for myself.

For the time being I don’t have it in me to speak to anyone. I don’t feel the urge to talk. I just want to get through to the next day alive as quickly as possible.