Perpetually behind the camera

Already huh? It’s like I can’t even get through a day, much less a week without falling for someone new. Someone who is constantly ignorant of the adoration I harbor for them. Then when all is said and done I’m left trying to validate my feelings in an attempt to portray them as sincere. By the end of it I’m spent. I have no more energy to proclaim my fascination towards someone else. I’m too upset and angry with myself with the way things are that I essentially lose sight of all the progress I’ve made thus far.

However I don’t think one can call it progress. It’s only the third day since I’ve been back on campus grounds and prior to that was winter vacation. So for a few weeks I had a break from the world. I had nothing tempting my attention other than TV or books. Now surrounded by these strangers I am reminded of how distant I’ve become, how sad and lonely all this must seem to the average person. Course there was a time when I believed that hey, this is just me. This is the way I am. I should just get used to it. For awhile it sat well with me. I didn’t feel the pangs of distress from not having a reason to come out from my room or not having someone decent to talk to. I even make a woeful lament about how I wish I could just stay in this room and read forever. But surrounded by the one thing you lack most in life on a day to day basis allows you some time to think, to reevaluate your position in life and your stance on the matter.

When I walked into Mitsuwa, there was this guy sitting at the barstool. From the window I kept a steady gaze on him as his attention was directed downward towards a book of some sort. After purchasing a magazine, I positioned myself behind him so I could take it all it. The sight of him excited me. There were so many possibilities to ponder. All of which contained in an imaginary world consisting of only him and I. How perfect would it be to say that I know someone like him? He wore some kind of synthetic purple jacket with a hood. Dark blue Levi pants and black converse shoes that hugged his feet so tight it was almost as if they were another pair of socks. Of course all of this took backseat to the defining factor that captivated me: His glasses. His shaggy hair was nicely trimmed yet still maintained that just-woke-up impression.

I sighed as I started snapping a few shots of his profile on my camera phone. Why didn’t I bring my good camera? But even if I did, who’s to say I would actually get the nerve to use it? My elation faded as I realized none of the fantasies I had in my head would come to pass. We would remain in our own individual worlds separated by my ineptitude. As I got up and threw away the remnants of my lunch, I walked slowly for a while. Maybe he had his eye on my back. Could he have been interested? And if he was, what would I do about it?

Absolutely nothing I reminded myself. So I picked up the pace, got in my car and left. What’s the use obsessing over these trite situations if they all have similar conclusions? Why bother getting myself into them anyway? Something has to kill this need for companionship. Something has to diminish this hope.

Self

Who to tell...

My sister invited me out. It was Joby’s birthday and they were having a thing over at Dave and Busters, an arcade/bar/restaurant set up. It was pretty uncomfortable for awhile. Though as soon as my sister left and I was left alone, this girl Melissa came over and started talking to me. We started talking about a lot of things. Typical things like school and our living arrangements. Then we started talking about relationships and I just threw out the “Oh my ex, well he…” She ended up leaving ahead of us but said that we should exchange numbers. Which we did but I don’t have any intentions of calling her though the only motivation would be that she mentioned that she had friends who I would probably love to meet. Guy friends maybe. Who knows?

When we were over at my sister’s boyfriend’s house, she got up to change out of her dress and he and I were talking about gay couples and the whole dynamics (“Two masculine men? I’ve never seen one of those couples.”). I wanted to chime in and talk about my own personal experience but hesitated. I was so close in outing myself to him but my sister walked back in. But I said forget it. If I were to tell him, I’m sure it would somehow get back to my sister. And while it would be easier to go down the whole fuck what you think route I just don’t want her or my family in on it. Initially it was out of fear, but now it’s more of privacy. It’s my business and I don’t feel like they need to be in on it.

Reevaluation of my relationships.

In short: I don’t think I’m capable of having any sort of relationship.

For starters, I have practically no interest in pursuing a relationship with anyone if I’m not in the least bit attracted to them or if there’s no possibility of us being together intimately. Therefore, I have had absolutely no interest in being friends with women yet sadly, those are the ones I can relate to on some emotional level. The only person I truly consider to be a friend is a straight guy who I believe to remain his friend simply because I still have feelings for him from time to time.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now and yesterday it sort of provoked me to put it down into words. A [female] friend from out of town called me to say that she was in town for awhile. I knew what she was hinting to. But then I’d be considered a jerk if I said I didn’t feel like seeing her before she left. It was nothing against her personally, it’s just that recently I don’t have it in me to socialize. I went out for drinks with a certain group of friends and this girl in particular I noticed kept staring at me during a meal at a late night restaurant. I brought this up with Wii implying that she may have had some sort of attraction to me but he quickly dismissed the notion and suggested that she merely wanted someone else to talk to.

“But I figured she had Sherry to talk to.” I said. “No, Sherry was listening to Shawn and I talk, so she probably was bored and just wanted someone to talk to.”

For awhile now I have held steadfast to the belief that I do not have to entertain people if I don’t feel like it, regardless of how it makes me look. I always thought it was because I didn’t have anything of importance to say, yet if that were the case then I wouldn’t have anything to type up. I think it’s because socializing isn’t one of my strong points, therefore, I don’t do it. When people talk to me, I sort of blank out and feel pressured to say something and usually just end up saying something trite or nothing at all. That or I will come up with something to say later but by then the subject has been dropped and I’m already on my way home.

Anyway, so I did decide to go meet her and we talked about things. It wasn’t as bad as I had played it out in my mind. But when Wii came, for some reason I just shut down. This always happens to me whenever I’m around him in large groups. It’s like I don’t want him to see how I am around other people. I just become so self-conscious of myself that I don’t say anything. I can’t bring myself to look at him and ultimately I end up feeling like shit after all is said and done. We finally called it quits after watching a bit of TV in silence.

As we were getting ready to leave, I gave Mimi, the out of town friend, a hug and quickly passed by Wii. He said “Later” and I mumbled an inaudible reply as I rushed back to my car. As I was stepping into my car I noticed that his was parked a few feet in front of mine and as he passed me, he said another farewell line and I quickly muttered a short “uh huh” and closed the door and sped off as he was unlocking his door.

Now, by our history I’m sure he’ll get out of this unscathed. He’ll probably treat me the same as always but I won’t hear from him for awhile until some sort of event happens and for some reason he decides to call me. Because I’ll never call him. I never invite him to anything. I never take it upon myself to suggest anything. Why? Because I have feelings for him. If I were to put myself in a position of vulnerability and we were merely platonic friends, then there were be no problem. But that’s not the case and if I were to feel like I’ve overstepped the boundaries of the gay/straight male friendship we have I’d feel terrible. So I don’t do anything out of fear that I may tarnish whatever perception he has of me.

So because of that fear, I don’t have anything to show for this friendship I wish so desperately to actualize. And because of these feelings I have for him I can’t be around him without feeling like a complete idiot because I’m the fool who still harbors feelings for a straight guy.