Reevaluation of my relationships.

In short: I don’t think I’m capable of having any sort of relationship.

For starters, I have practically no interest in pursuing a relationship with anyone if I’m not in the least bit attracted to them or if there’s no possibility of us being together intimately. Therefore, I have had absolutely no interest in being friends with women yet sadly, those are the ones I can relate to on some emotional level. The only person I truly consider to be a friend is a straight guy who I believe to remain his friend simply because I still have feelings for him from time to time.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now and yesterday it sort of provoked me to put it down into words. A [female] friend from out of town called me to say that she was in town for awhile. I knew what she was hinting to. But then I’d be considered a jerk if I said I didn’t feel like seeing her before she left. It was nothing against her personally, it’s just that recently I don’t have it in me to socialize. I went out for drinks with a certain group of friends and this girl in particular I noticed kept staring at me during a meal at a late night restaurant. I brought this up with Wii implying that she may have had some sort of attraction to me but he quickly dismissed the notion and suggested that she merely wanted someone else to talk to.

“But I figured she had Sherry to talk to.” I said. “No, Sherry was listening to Shawn and I talk, so she probably was bored and just wanted someone to talk to.”

For awhile now I have held steadfast to the belief that I do not have to entertain people if I don’t feel like it, regardless of how it makes me look. I always thought it was because I didn’t have anything of importance to say, yet if that were the case then I wouldn’t have anything to type up. I think it’s because socializing isn’t one of my strong points, therefore, I don’t do it. When people talk to me, I sort of blank out and feel pressured to say something and usually just end up saying something trite or nothing at all. That or I will come up with something to say later but by then the subject has been dropped and I’m already on my way home.

Anyway, so I did decide to go meet her and we talked about things. It wasn’t as bad as I had played it out in my mind. But when Wii came, for some reason I just shut down. This always happens to me whenever I’m around him in large groups. It’s like I don’t want him to see how I am around other people. I just become so self-conscious of myself that I don’t say anything. I can’t bring myself to look at him and ultimately I end up feeling like shit after all is said and done. We finally called it quits after watching a bit of TV in silence.

As we were getting ready to leave, I gave Mimi, the out of town friend, a hug and quickly passed by Wii. He said “Later” and I mumbled an inaudible reply as I rushed back to my car. As I was stepping into my car I noticed that his was parked a few feet in front of mine and as he passed me, he said another farewell line and I quickly muttered a short “uh huh” and closed the door and sped off as he was unlocking his door.

Now, by our history I’m sure he’ll get out of this unscathed. He’ll probably treat me the same as always but I won’t hear from him for awhile until some sort of event happens and for some reason he decides to call me. Because I’ll never call him. I never invite him to anything. I never take it upon myself to suggest anything. Why? Because I have feelings for him. If I were to put myself in a position of vulnerability and we were merely platonic friends, then there were be no problem. But that’s not the case and if I were to feel like I’ve overstepped the boundaries of the gay/straight male friendship we have I’d feel terrible. So I don’t do anything out of fear that I may tarnish whatever perception he has of me.

So because of that fear, I don’t have anything to show for this friendship I wish so desperately to actualize. And because of these feelings I have for him I can’t be around him without feeling like a complete idiot because I’m the fool who still harbors feelings for a straight guy.