I was sitting in my room for awhile prolonging going out to shoot photos. When I got ready I stood in the living room for a bit and started to get anxious. I was afraid that someone would see me shooting and react in some kind of negative way like I’d either have to fight for my life or they would criticize me. I suddenly felt a strong urge to simply become invisible. That I would be much more comfortable if I could do what I wanted to do without the fear of getting caught or criticized. It’s just this internalized fear that I’m going to get in trouble that has me immobilized, and all I wanted to do was shoot dry grass.
I was flipping through a photo book I bought this morning. It’s called Texas Twins by Howard Roffman. His photography strikes me as very typical gay photography. It takes quite a bit to spark my interest in terms of photos but it was mainly the subject matter that drew me into this book. The brothers Morgan and Nash are identical but according to the description, their personalities are anything but. And surprisingly enough, one is gay and the other is straight. When I bought the book, in the gay capital of the city no less, the cashier guy (a portly man with glasses and a red button down) quickly glanced at the cover and remarked, “Now that’s just disgusting.” I was initially surprised. It struck me as odd that he would say something like that about an item that a customer was buying, especially considering the neighborhood. “I’m just very interested in the fact that one is gay and one is straight.” I simply replied. “Oh. I didn’t know that.” He said with a hint of remorse.
It didn’t really bother me to think that by my buying something he perceived as “disgusting” would make me disgusting as well. It actually increased my pride in a way to think that I had the ability to appreciate something that he had absolutely no idea about. Something he quickly labeled at face value and made a definitive judgment before I informed him that no, they don’t do anything sexual to each other. I mean honestly, how old are you? It definitely angered my friend who was with me, but I couldn’t care less.
As I was flipping through the pages, I was listening to Balmorhea’s Baleen Morning. Part of the charm about this book is trying to decipher who was who. Nash is straight, Morgan is gay. Nash is the impetuous rebel and Morgan is grounded and eager to please. You almost feel as if you get to know these two guys personally with each page. About halfway through I felt a wave of sorrow come over me. I don’t know if it was the music, or if it was the image of the two brothers together but I suddenly wanted to cry. The strength of their relationship had just occurred to me and the thought that they would always have each other even if their entire world fell apart was gut wrenching. The fact that one brother knew the other was gay and was fine with it was incredible. And somehow, the thought of me sitting alone locked in my room out of fear that someone would by chance walk in and catch me looking at a suggestive [male] photo book seemed utterly depressing to me.
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