I'm Such a Coward.

I was starting to feel safe after having ran into him a few times already. I was browsing another forum created by a user for users to post their dirty pictures. I came across one guy who had a nice face. So I tracked him on the main board and found his myspace. An Ohio resident. But not near where he lived so I figured it was ok. Then in his top friends I saw a familiar face staring back at me. I immediately deleted the pictures I posted on that site.

Then I saw him again while randomly browsing the Gaygamer Last.fm page. I noticed a user name in the activity list that looked familiar so I clicked on it. And right underneath it was his name. I left the group and deleted the history saying I did so that way if he were to check back, he wouldn’t see that I had left.

This made me wonder if he was registered at the GG forum. He was, but he hadn’t checked my profile. And I hadn’t run into any of his post so it was ok to stay. I wanted to.

Then 2 or 3 days ago I ran into a picture of himself that he posted. I felt that familiar sensation again. It became harder to breathe. My body got colder. I was frantic. I impulsively deleted all my photos, my avatar, and my signature. All the information in my profile. I remember seeing an option to delete your profile entirely but after searching desperately for it, I gave up and contacted the administrators to delete my account. I checked back today and it was finally gone. My posts were still there though. At least this way he won’t be able to track my posts without a bit of effort.

It seems silly to me that I would put forth all this effort to run away from him when it could be that I haven’t even registered in his mind since I stopped talking to him. It’s been over 2 years and I’ve thought about him probably every day since.

I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this.

What sucks is that sometimes I’ll go back to the forums automatically without even thinking.