AI 5th quarter

I hit a rough patch today and in a culmination of events I felt like a foreign specimen at a school I've been going to for a year.

I haven't made any friends, just people I see regularly and say hi to, but nothing further. And I was ok with that. As long as I was getting my stuff done I was fine. While I was in class today I got a phone call saying that the audio recorder I borrowed was late.

"OK, so how much is that going to cost me?"

"10$ an hour."

All I could mutter was shit. It had been 4 hours. So I returned it and tried in vain to dispute it. The girl there just filled out my paper work without saying a word other than, "That's it" when it was over. I was really irritated by how disinterested she always acts and this was just the event that tipped me over the edge.

Later when I went to return the headphones that I had borrowed, the guy who is in my stop motion class was there. I handed him the headphones, he didn't say anything, he didn't look at me. I said, "Thanks," when he handed me my ID and he didn't say anything. He didn't even acknowledge me. He just sat back down and stared at his computer.

Up till now I've been ok with this school despite the many things I could find wrong with it, but this makes me really feel like I don't belong there.

I'm Such a Coward.

I was starting to feel safe after having ran into him a few times already. I was browsing another forum created by a user for users to post their dirty pictures. I came across one guy who had a nice face. So I tracked him on the main board and found his myspace. An Ohio resident. But not near where he lived so I figured it was ok. Then in his top friends I saw a familiar face staring back at me. I immediately deleted the pictures I posted on that site.

Then I saw him again while randomly browsing the Gaygamer Last.fm page. I noticed a user name in the activity list that looked familiar so I clicked on it. And right underneath it was his name. I left the group and deleted the history saying I did so that way if he were to check back, he wouldn’t see that I had left.

This made me wonder if he was registered at the GG forum. He was, but he hadn’t checked my profile. And I hadn’t run into any of his post so it was ok to stay. I wanted to.

Then 2 or 3 days ago I ran into a picture of himself that he posted. I felt that familiar sensation again. It became harder to breathe. My body got colder. I was frantic. I impulsively deleted all my photos, my avatar, and my signature. All the information in my profile. I remember seeing an option to delete your profile entirely but after searching desperately for it, I gave up and contacted the administrators to delete my account. I checked back today and it was finally gone. My posts were still there though. At least this way he won’t be able to track my posts without a bit of effort.

It seems silly to me that I would put forth all this effort to run away from him when it could be that I haven’t even registered in his mind since I stopped talking to him. It’s been over 2 years and I’ve thought about him probably every day since.

I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this.

What sucks is that sometimes I’ll go back to the forums automatically without even thinking.

She Sleeps.

Old stuff. No date.

To my glasses, I miss you already.

So I haven’t really been posting much in the way of the work out process. Honestly I haven’t really been doing much on the diet side. I’ve just been doing a bit a exercise here and there but I’ve been eating practically whatever I wanted. That means a lot of chocolate by way of brownies and cookies. But they’re all gone now, so as long as someone doesn’t bring any new temptations home, I’ll most likely refrain from eating any more of those.

There’s a new guy in my ballet class today. He looks like he’s Filipino and his name is Nick. I’m not really that interested in him but it’s nice to have another guy in the class. I can’t really tell if he’s gay or not. The other guy Fernando is a Japanese guy. Very skinny and very flexible. With Asian men you can’t really tell if they’re gay or not. Especially the Koreans and the Japanese. They’re so far beyond metrosexuality that it’s immensely frustrating. But lucky for me I’m not that into the Asians these days. Not as much as I used to be anyway.

I got a new Saris car rack for my bike over the weekend (it's way better than the Bell rack i b so I’ve been taking that to school. It still takes 10 minutes or so to get to class and I’m not even working my legs out that much but it’s better than hitting the ground every step. Sometimes I’ll glance in the rearview mirror and stare at the frame swaying in the wind. With the new sturdy car rack, I am free to obsess about other things like what if people think I’m a cheater because I’m driving my bike to school. Never mind the fact that it takes 15 minutes by car to travel that distance but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable lugging around this weight on the back of my car only to use it for 20 minutes or so. I feel like I’m violating some unwritten Biker’s Code of Honor saying that I have to commit to using my bike. I’m still not comfortable knowing that my Vote No on 8 bumper sticker is still on my bumper even though it has been there since October. I get to thinking that people will see it and think, what the hell man?! You lost your war take off the damn sticker. It’s what I think when I see the Mccain-Palin stickers. Actually the only thoughts in my head are of relief that they didn’t win mixed in with a hint of superiority.

I went to buy a bento box. It’s sort of similar to this but just navy blue with a strip of argyle over the chopstick lid. The cashier commented on my necklace saying that it looked like a cello bridge. Turns out she plays cello too and she’s in a band. She invited me to come see their show tonight. Unfortunately I still have class tonight but I’d probably feel worse if their music didn’t grate my ears. I’m sorry Amanda, but I’m just not into that genre of music.

Also, I lost my Burberry glasses Sunday morning. I went to BarWest in P.B. and took them off because I was nervous. I can’t be nervous around people I can’t see. By the end of the night however I got to my car minus my glasses. It was devastating.

Drew this at the restaurant:

Mikey.

I saw a familiar face. It was Mikey on GG this time. I haven't seen him since we last spoke. All of a sudden he got really distant. He privatized his myspace and closed his GG account. It was like going through another break up. So to see him there again with a new acount, posting his pictures and reciving compliments, in all honesty is kind of painful. I know how selfish that is but I can't help but harbor feelings. Despite my resolve to burn bridges, to alienate myself from people, to despise the social network, I can't help but desire the opposite. I actively reject what I want because I'm afraid I can't have it. Or rather yet I'm afraid that I will have it then lose it. Amidst that fear I make my strides and reach out, form connections, but they never really fade. I still have all the stuff we used to send to each other. I have his pictures in my phone. For what purpose I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that I was happy at some point. Or that he is no longer apart of my life. If that's the case, why does he still affect me so?

New Semester, New Chair.

So first day of classes was a semi-failure. I couldn’t get into my math class that I tried to crash but was still waitlisted for. I wanted to cry.

On the way to class I saw a computer chair by some trashcans. I need a new computer chair but I wanted to wait and see if someone was going to move it. Then some guy on a motorcycle crashed into the curb. He seemed like he was ok, just a little winded so I kept going. So after I was rejected, I walked back and saw the ambulance there talking to some people. The chair was still there so I drove my car over and started to stuff it in my car. It seemed like it was in good condition. I did notice some stains and some weird white stuff on the bottom but whatever. I was determined.

Psych class began after I killed some time shopping and running around looking for some aluminum cleaner that I never found. It was really hard to keep focused and awake. It was amazing how many times I had to keep reminding myself not to fall for every guy I see. Just keep your head down and to hell with them. I will not be swayed by your face.

But it looks like it’s going to be an interesting class. I did however spend all my book money on my bike. I completed it by buying a U-lock so I can finally take it out with me and feel safe that it’s not going to get stolen.

So I got the chair out and started working on it immediately. I didn’t want to leave it outside and I didn’t want to leave it in being as dirty as it was. That’s when I noticed that there was a streak in the middle. More resembling of a skid mark. Apparently someone shat in my new chair. The previous owner must have been a nudist because it seemed like someone deliberately rubbed their ass into the material. But that didn’t deter me, I was determined to have a new and better chair. Even if the mental image of an old naked incontinent is permanently etched into my head. But I figure hey, if this was my pet, or a baby that took a dump in my chair, I wouldn’t throw it out.

So I kept cleaning after I researched a bit of methods. After another two more hours of work I managed to get the stains out and the smell. So now we play the waiting game. When it dries I’m going to steam it, disinfect it, then steam it again just to make sure I covered all my bases. When I squeezed the towel I used to soak up all the moisture and dirt, it completely filled the sink with a dark and murky fluid. And while I’m sure I cleaned to the best of my abilities, I just pray that I don’t contract some form of hepatitis or a band of insects spring forth from some nest they decided to make in one of the nooks.

DDR Gym 3

Saturday morning I did 342.357kcal @ 30 minutes.

I didn't get to work out later that night cause I spent the entire evening fixing up my bike with Sean. But I bet that worked out some caloric reserves even though it was super cold.

Evelyn and Alex came over to watch the first Underworld as we had just got finished watching Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (It was ok). When she opened the case that Alex brought over there were roaches inside. Now, I'm a big fan of How Clean Is Your House and while I'm not saint myself when it comes to cleaning, I definitely don't have roaches hiding in my DVD boxes. I would always watch that show and wonder who in the world would live like that. But then I went into their house, and it was just, incredible. I wouldn't want to even piss in the toilet. We watched a movie there once and I had to flick roaches off of me the entire time. Plus there's like, a pile of cat shit and kitty litter in the corner of the hallway that no one cleans up so when we hang out, they both smell like cat shit.

I mean, those people are cool but jeez. When feces and insects get involved, there's health problems just waiting to happen.

I'm going to go over to Sean's house later to work on the bike some more. I'll post photos of those later. Maybe.