Thursday, September 27, 2007

Heroic Collateral

There were two parts to this.

The first part I just remember being in an amphitheater type setting. It was fairly dark but our eyes were adjusted. Only the glow of the projector and walkway lights were visible. There was an intensely sinister man on the bottom floor. Essentially, he was evil and a terror to all who was in attendance. We all knew we were in danger. People were crouched down on the floor. Some hiding behind the row of chairs, others off against the walls along the stairs. I was there on the stairs, lying down on my side clutching my sister. My back fully exposed against the sadist. She started to cry for my safety and soon I followed her lead.

The next, I was sitting around trapped in what seemed like a convention center. I had the threat of that man looming over my head. I was confined for my safety with some other people who were also concerned. I remember one of the other people being Pudgy. I remember we decided to make the move and go somewhere else more remote. The threats were piling up and the tension was building. He was going to make a move soon so we had to be out of there. On the road, it was night time and I remember being in the back of a sort of tow truck. The bed was lined with a comforter and several pillows that seemed to remain in place despite the impracticality of the set up. Pudgy and a girl sat together while this white girl with long orange hair sat opposite of me. I held on to her leg so she wouldn’t fall off the end.

It was almost noon time when we arrived at a series of condos. When we got there, we were settling down in hopes that the distance would have saved us. Then, towards the sky there were several smoke trails followed by a renegade airplane. We all knew something wasn’t right. If the group of super-heros were together, then something was amiss. So despite coming here for refuge, my body ignited and I began to soar through the air towards the calamity leaving my loved ones in the hands of someone who was heroically endowed.

The plane began to nose dive towards a shopping center in the neighborhood. Someone had spotted me and began pursuit. It docked outside a platform that extended over the parking lot. I struggled to fly higher out of reach but something was pulling me down. Thoughts began to fog my mind. My friends were doomed and I had lead them to the slaughter. I would die and they would follow shortly after. Or worse, I would live and watch them brutally murdered right before me. And it would all be my fault.

As I descended, a man walked out of the plane and headed towards where I fell. He handed me an entry slip for some contest and asked me to fill it out. He moved on to another group of people and handed them slips.

Woke up hot with chest tension.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Emotions and Eye Candy


So browsing afterelton.com, I came across an article. The icon is what drew me really. Next was the mention of a gay character on the show Everwood. A quick search on IMDB and I found an episode guide and the actor who played the character Kyle Hunter, a high school student hell bent on getting into Julliard. Not only is this kid seriously adorable, but his character plays piano. Jazz piano. Hot.

So a quick google on the name Steven R. McQueen didn’t yield much. But I torrented the entire 21 episodes of season 4. 7 of which he played a role in. Not much of an established character but the images of him swayed me to pursue it. So I had an Everwood binge today and I noticed something strange. Periodically throughout the various story plots, I found myself trying desperately not to cry. Many times in fact. But against my will, I shed a few tears here and there. Felt that all too familiar weight on my chest. The comfort of tissue. So much of it in fact that my nose actually started to bleed.

I don’t know if it was the show itself that started to stir these emotions in me or if it was just a catalyst that lit the fuse. Maybe this was remnants from Friday. Wii, Pudgy and I went to the gym. After we got out, we were walking back to my car and I mentioned that the film festival was coming soon. To which Wii responded, “So?” For some reason, that struck a nerve and I just gave up trying at all that night. I walked faster to my car leaving them both behind to talk amongst them selves. Much like I had done in the pool in fact.

I stayed quite and caught in thought for most of the night and they could tell something was wrong, but I just feigned fatigue. When we were eating at Denny’s, I went back into my old routine were I couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Parked in front of his house, Wii made a comment about me playing Jeanne D’Arc if I was going to stay up late again that night, to which I responded with some passive aggressive tactic and off he went. Pudgy went with him to get his phone. As I was waiting, I turned up the volume and got lost in the music.

Driving back, Pudgy asked me what was wrong cause it sure wasn’t tiredness. I stumbled over my words trying to find a way to not sound like a woman about it, but the bottom line was that I was hurt that he completely shot down my idea. It’s hard enough to build up the courage to even suggest it. It’s why I don’t bother asking him to do stuff with me because I know he’s picky about shit. But whenever he asks me to do stuff, I’m always supportive. I know it shouldn’t bother me because that’s the way him and Pudgy are together. They basically operate on peer pressure until the other person caves in. The problem with me though is that I’m not like that at all because I feel like I’m imposing.

All I know is that today was a tear fest. But I got a good amount of eye candy in. Got through 10 episodes and 4 of the 7 he’s in. So far no gay suggestions but at least him and Ephram are friends. He comes off as sort of a stuck up loner jerk but he’s just too cute for me to hate. He’s just so adorably tragic. I searched on Youtube for any clips but I didn’t find anything so I figure I’ll compile his clips together and upload it for the masses. I got my Craig/John-Paul and Luke/Noah fix from kind people who have taken the time to compile those. Figure I could do the same for someone who is late and curious, just like I was. Had second thoughts about it cause it would seem pedo-ish of me to compile these scenes of a “15 year old kid.” But he’s legal so it’s all good. And anyway, it’s more so for myself than anything.


Gotta love eye candy.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Two friends and a Gay Club.

I’m feeling sort of uneasy about the way things are going between me and Wii. Of course, this could all be in my head, but at this point, I’m sure it’s safe to assume that that’s the case.

So I hadn’t seen him or heard from him in awhile. We’d talk in little spurts but never anything too in depth. When we last left off, I noticed that I was acting sort of like a jerk to him. Just the things I’d say were probably a bit harsh despite being carried over with the intention to amuse. I think that I may just be expecting too much. I know that he shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything for me, but in my heart I still wish he would. I’ve played the self-loathing jealousy part too much for too long. And I don’t want to act that way towards him again.

My initial reaction is simple enough: just stop it. If he wanted to talk, he would sign on or call. If he wanted to hang out, then he’d ask me. The rest is self-explanatory. But with that logic, I would have to do the same thing. And I don’t feel like I can.

Me: and i'm not a gay lounge and club virgin anymore

Me: hallam foe

Me: it has jamie bell in it <3

Friend: ooo :o

Friend: neato

Friend: gay lounge and club virgin?

Friend: O_O

Friend: what's that mean

Me: meaning, i went to a gay lounge and club yesterday

Me: first time

Friend: o_o

Friend: oo nice

Friend: how did that go

Friend: =]

Me: um.

Me: the lounge was really cool

Friend: oo

Me: the homos know how to design a place

Friend: lol

Friend: xD

Friend: haha

Friend: were the stereotypical gay guys

Friend: scary

Me: but it was really pretty and really chill

Friend: ?

Me: um, I didn't really notice there, cause it's not really a socializing environment

Me: i mean, other than the people you came with

Me: cause you're secluded in tables and booths

Friend: ahh

Friend: that's really cool

Friend: :)

Me: sorta like a restaurant

Friend: so who did you come with?

Friend: yea

Friend: not club like

Friend: :D

Me: but from what i saw there were a lot of old guys

Me: i just went with two friends of mine and met up with their friends.

Me: i didn't really say or do much.

Me: he ordered me an apple martini

Me: and some peach champagne thing which wasn't all that great

Friend: appletini!

Me: but that was enough to put me over the edge

Friend: ahh

Friend: thats intense

Friend: xD aww cute

Friend: *pats

Me: yea i'm a super lightweight

Friend: aww

Friend: cute

Friend: XD

Me: so then we went to a club called numbers

Me: it was really dark and there were shirtless guys everywhere.

Me: but you couldn't really see details cause it was so dark

Me: I was trying to spark some interest in the two guys we met up with but apparently they weren't feeling me.

Friend: oo wow o_o

Friend: shirtless guys

Friend: ah

Me: so after a very slow start, I eventually made it out to the floor and danced till they closed

Friend: awww

Friend: how fun

Friend: :D

Friend: thats really cool

Me: got a work out

Friend: yea!

Friend: how awesome

Me: then

Friend: that's pretty pro dude

Friend: =D

Me: when we went outside, this bald spanish dude called Ernesto complimented me on my hair

Me: to which I said thanks and asked him for a hug

Me: hardest hug I've ever had

Me: like, I felt like I was going to break

Me: but it felt really good

Me: I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't

Friend: o_o

Friend: aww

Friend: how adorable!

Friend: thats a cute story

Friend: xD

Friend: gwarsh

Friend: hahaha

Friend: that made me giggle

Friend: how sweet

Friend: =]

Me: yea, it was good times.









Saturday, September 8, 2007

Mask

Friday, September 7, 2007

Jealosy, and an Orgasm Inducing Room

I think I know why I’ve been in an off mood this morning, and last night even. Despite showering him with compliments, the news that Kaleb was possibly moving to Virginia to be with his boyfriend by the beginning of next year was somewhat upsetting. I don’t know why exactly. I mean, I hardly ever see him, or talk to him for that matter. Maybe it was the fact that he and I shared a significant moment in my coming out process; the fact that I’m essentially losing a spooning buddy (despite the inability to do so anyway now that he’s attached); or the idea that he’s moving on with his life with someone else.

This whole thing made me sorta pessimistic about the whole relationship aspect of this sub-culture. Even more so than the idea that anything long term is practically a rarity simply because it’s him. Anyone else I could be happy for. And I am for him really. But there’s just that small bit of anxious jealousy at the fact that he’s struck it rich with some guy who’s just as lucky as Kaleb is.

I hate that I’m responsive in such an unappealing manner. On the flip side however, my room is nearly complete in renovation. The walls have been painted and the laminate floor has been laid. I wish to have sex in what I consider to be a very sexy room. I used to envy people who had those types of rooms that were messy but still looked clean. I never had that, and I never knew why. Turns out it was mainly the rug. I could have a clean floor and it would still look like shit. But with these floors, I could throw some dirty clothes about, a few papers, couple magazines and still have the urge to simply lay down and embrace the artificial wood grains as I imagine hot sex on such a surface with these freshly painted walls.

That or sleep.

And as far as birthday's go, this one wasn't too bad. No cake this time, no big presents. Just 220$ and a necklace that my sister bought me for Christmas last year that broke which she had fixed. The family gave me a choice of eating out or ordering in, which I chose the former. Humored a health conscious place called Cilantro which offered a variety of raw vegetarian/vegan food choices. It was pretty good, but expensive. And I was full but didn't have that ickky feeling I do with the more unhealthy food choices. Topped off the night with a Corona.

Gay lounge to be attended Saturday evening with a friend and his friends.

A straight friend.

A straight friend who I used to have a heavy thing for.

Oh life you.

Oh, and decided to shell out the money for the best hair product in the world. The resulting awesomeness is thanks to Spice Sister's lite wax. <3


Sunday, September 2, 2007

Avoider.

I haven’t seen much of anyone lately. But what right do I have to complain if I haven’t made an effort myself to reach out to the people I seek? I’ve put off writing cause further introspection into this sordid thought trail would prove to be of more harm than good. What was it that allowed me to find such repose from the trials and tribulations of day to day life through these words that seems to escape me now? What is it that prevents me from pursuing the things I love, the people I want to see, the life I want to live? What is it that gets me through the day?

I found Justin’s card a couple days ago. We shot a couple texts back and forth where he eventually propositioned an outing to catch up. I didn’t have it in me to reply. I got scared. The thought of being put in a position were I have to be ‘on’ and ‘alert’ makes me uncomfortable. I woke up to find a slew of missed calls and messages on my phone this morning, and it wasn’t until before a nap I decided to send a text that I wasn’t up to it. I haven’t looked at my phone since.