Movies and Arguments

I got back from watching Jumper with Wii awhile ago. I personally thought it was awesome. I thought the girl who played the older Millie should have been recasted. Young Millie looked like a sweet girl-next-door type and the older one looked like a whore. Not saying she was ugly or anything, but she was far from girl-next-door. I also thought that the ending was really awkward. It just seemed like it was an afterthought, and maybe a prelude to a sequel.

I totally forgot Jamie Bell was going to be in it. I was totally psyched when I saw his name in the opening credits. I’ve loved him ever since Billy Elliot. He was pretty much the highlight of the movie for me. His fighting tactics were truly epic and entertaining.

After the movie was over, Wii started to get all analytical. I don’t know if it was because he was bashing something I liked that got me so riled up, or maybe it was the fact that I was sort of in charge of this whole outing and he was giving me shit because he didn’t seem to thrilled with the movie but I drove to his house as fast as I could to drop him off. I just wanted to get away from him as quick as possible. On the way home I considered seriously cutting him off. I mean we don’t talk to each other much anyway so it’s not like it would be such a big deal or anything but this I guess, disappointment is very different from all the other times I was upset with him.

Before it was all self inflicted pain that caused me to dislike him. This is the first time that he’s actually done something to upset me. This actually killed whatever feelings I had left for him. I don’t know if I’m just overacting because he disagreed with me, or if I’m upset because he was making me feel like a jerk for having suggested an “entertaining but sub-par movie.”

He just kept nitpicking all these miniscule details and I just wanted him to shut up and talk about something else. Ugh. I don’t know how to deal with things. I know that I’m probably going to feel like a jerk for possibly blowing this out of proportion but right now I’m just tired of feeling like a failure.

Responsibilities and Networking.

Sometimes I feel a certain irresponsibility about myself. Certain things that I should be concerned about that I’m not. This past Monday I decided to skip my morning class since I stayed up late the night before. My dad had been making inquiries as to when I should go visit my great grandmother who has recently found residence at the hospital for some reasons I’m not yet clear with (I didn’t feel the need to ask). So when I was utilizing my free time that morning until my photography class at 3, he came into my room saying that we should go see her before she dies implying that it would be soon.

When we got there I felt a bit uneasy. Not really because I was going to visit someone on their immanent death bed but that I was surrounded by old and dying people. The air within the interior was heavy and thick very much unlike my experiences at other hospitals where the air conditioner was constantly turned on. When we got to her room, some of my other relatives were there already. I just stood by the dresser as far off as I could without seeming too cold or too eager. I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility towards her which does seem sad I admit, but it’s on the same level with the rest of my family. I don’t feel much sense of responsibility towards any of them. Just a few days ago my dad mentioned “Why do you act like a big brother towards Josh [my younger brother]?” My initial thought was Why? No one acted that way towards me.

Truth is that I’m afraid to make the first move. I’m afraid to do anything. I was out with an acquaintance Christina when she went to go get her eyebrows done. While she was in the back room her sister Mary needed the keys to the car and asked me to get them. We were standing there at the closed door which housed a do not disturb sign on the doorknob and I froze. I started to panic. I don’t like being put in a situation where I have to accept responsibility for my actions because I’m scared of feeling inadequate. It’s one thing to feel like I’m not worth it, but it’s another thing to hear from someone else that “Yea, you fucked up.” I did it anyways and I didn’t get yelled at or anything, but the fact remains that my initial reaction towards the situation was fear.

I know what made me that way, and as much as I want to blame him for it, what’s done is done. It’s pretty much up to me to say you know what, I don’t like being this way. But the thing about accepting that level of responsibility for oneself is the accepting the possibility that you may fail, and that terrifies me.

On another note, I left my contact info with the local gay club at my campus. I noticed two rainbow flags and figured why the hell not. Of course, it took me passing the table 3 times before I could even do anything, and the only reason why I got the nerve to do it was cause they were busy talking to another guy and I just stood there. Before I was very hesitant about joining one because I didn’t want to be associated with those kinds of people. I had it in my head that if I were to be apart of that sector of society that people would start to expect me to harbor all the stereotypes that come with it. But I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, or at least with that facet of my personality. That and the idea that maybe I’ll expand my network and maybe even meet someone of dating potential. Who knows? [Actually, the guys plus one girl at the booth weren’t that much to look at. But hey, that’s probably a good thing. The last thing I need is another unrequited love. And maybe one of them will surprise me.] And if I don’t like it, I can just get the hell out. No harm done. Because right now, I know of no gay people I could simply talk to or hang out with. All the ones I know are online and several miles/states away. And I’m tired of typing to a screen.

By the way, regarding that image in my previous post. That was for a Devil May Cry 4 contest up on gaygamer.net. And I won, along with 4 other people. Hooray for me. Finally a game for my ps3 entertainment center + games also console.

Contest Submission

Another Missed Chance to Lament About.

I had a dream involving Wii this morning. I don’t really recall what it was about exactly, just that I was staring at him like I normally would taking in things like how the light played with his hands or the glimmer in his eyes. A few minutes after I got up and ready to go out, I get an IM from him. This was a surprise because talking to him was so rare.

“Hey,” he said to me.

“Hey stranger”

“You know I only IM you when I need favors =P.”

Apparently his car was giving him grief like it usually does and he needed a ride after he dropped it off at the shop. I told him I would meet him there, happy to help. I kept thinking about the way our friendship works. I started to feel like I was being used yet despite that feeling, I feel compelled to be there for him whenever it calls on me. Maybe there is still some latent emotional stronghold he has over me. Maybe I’m just looking for acceptance and approval. Not to say that I didn’t want to go out of my way, I had no problem with it but I couldn’t help wondering why I was going out of my way.

I brought my camera along just in case I would get an opportunity. I wouldn’t want a repeat of what happened at Mitsuwa. I sat outside for about 20 minutes until he pulled in. He carried with him a nauseating scent of gasoline and I opened a window as we drove over to El Zarappe for some Mexican food. There was probably a faster way than taking University all the way from La Mesa to University Heights, but I wanted to prolong the time we had together what with this being such an infrequent occurrence.

We talked about the usual things, or rather, he talked and I listened. We talked a bit about school, what we’ve been doing [nothing]. He’s been preoccupied with Monster Hunter and he showed me a bit of that while we waited for our food. Then a strange thing happened. This guy came up to me and pointed at my camera. I noticed him looking at our direction for a bit but paid him no mind. He asked what kind of lens was on it and I handed it over for him to take a look at it. We talked about the prime 1.8 50mm lens versus the 1.4 for a bit before he motioned to leave. As he was walking away, I realized that I did it again. “Damn it, that was another chance wasn’t it?” I said to Wii. “Yea man.”

When I caught him in my peripheral I could sort of tell if he was interested but I don’t like to make assumptions about people. When he was talking to me, there was something in his eyes that hinted that he maybe but nothing else was out of the ordinary. I started hitting myself with the what ifs and what could be if I’d only have the nerve to act on it. But would it have been weird to have this two or three minute conversation about lenses and say, “Hey, could I get your number?” I just found solace in the fact that nothing was going to come out from it so I shouldn’t bother. It would save him the trouble of having to deal with this dependant shut it and me the trouble of having to impose that on him.

If it weren’t for people like him, I would probably never speak to anyone.