Sometimes I feel a certain irresponsibility about myself. Certain things that I should be concerned about that I’m not. This past Monday I decided to skip my morning class since I stayed up late the night before. My dad had been making inquiries as to when I should go visit my great grandmother who has recently found residence at the hospital for some reasons I’m not yet clear with (I didn’t feel the need to ask). So when I was utilizing my free time that morning until my photography class at 3, he came into my room saying that we should go see her before she dies implying that it would be soon.
When we got there I felt a bit uneasy. Not really because I was going to visit someone on their immanent death bed but that I was surrounded by old and dying people. The air within the interior was heavy and thick very much unlike my experiences at other hospitals where the air conditioner was constantly turned on. When we got to her room, some of my other relatives were there already. I just stood by the dresser as far off as I could without seeming too cold or too eager. I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility towards her which does seem sad I admit, but it’s on the same level with the rest of my family. I don’t feel much sense of responsibility towards any of them. Just a few days ago my dad mentioned “Why do you act like a big brother towards Josh [my younger brother]?” My initial thought was Why? No one acted that way towards me.
Truth is that I’m afraid to make the first move. I’m afraid to do anything. I was out with an acquaintance Christina when she went to go get her eyebrows done. While she was in the back room her sister Mary needed the keys to the car and asked me to get them. We were standing there at the closed door which housed a do not disturb sign on the doorknob and I froze. I started to panic. I don’t like being put in a situation where I have to accept responsibility for my actions because I’m scared of feeling inadequate. It’s one thing to feel like I’m not worth it, but it’s another thing to hear from someone else that “Yea, you fucked up.” I did it anyways and I didn’t get yelled at or anything, but the fact remains that my initial reaction towards the situation was fear.
I know what made me that way, and as much as I want to blame him for it, what’s done is done. It’s pretty much up to me to say you know what, I don’t like being this way. But the thing about accepting that level of responsibility for oneself is the accepting the possibility that you may fail, and that terrifies me.
On another note, I left my contact info with the local gay club at my campus. I noticed two rainbow flags and figured why the hell not. Of course, it took me passing the table 3 times before I could even do anything, and the only reason why I got the nerve to do it was cause they were busy talking to another guy and I just stood there. Before I was very hesitant about joining one because I didn’t want to be associated with those kinds of people. I had it in my head that if I were to be apart of that sector of society that people would start to expect me to harbor all the stereotypes that come with it. But I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, or at least with that facet of my personality. That and the idea that maybe I’ll expand my network and maybe even meet someone of dating potential. Who knows? [Actually, the guys plus one girl at the booth weren’t that much to look at. But hey, that’s probably a good thing. The last thing I need is another unrequited love. And maybe one of them will surprise me.] And if I don’t like it, I can just get the hell out. No harm done. Because right now, I know of no gay people I could simply talk to or hang out with. All the ones I know are online and several miles/states away. And I’m tired of typing to a screen.
By the way, regarding that image in my previous post. That was for a Devil May Cry 4 contest up on gaygamer.net. And I won, along with 4 other people. Hooray for me. Finally a game for my ps3 entertainment center + games also console.
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