Alone Together or Together Alone

I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) with Wii, Angel and Rohanie. While Wii and Angel went to do their routine, I went over to the pool with Rohanie. We didn’t really talk much and when we did, it wasn’t about anything important. Eventually, Wii and Angel came over and we ended up messing around in the pool a bit, rambling on about various things. There came a point when the two guys started throwing each other around. Wii tried to go under water and grab me so he could toss me around but he couldn’t see underwater I guess so he ended up just grazing the front of my legs. I suggested crouching on top of his shoulders while he was under water so I could push off when he came up. As I swam over behind him, I could feel my body get lighter, my nerves racing. Looking at his pale back I hesitated to touch it. As if the slightest bit of contact would cause my body to implode.

Getting out of the pool, there was a strange weight that seemed to have been gained during our 4 hour swimming session. We sat down in the sauna for a bit. It was more enjoyable than the first time actually. I guess it’s because we came straight from the pool instead of from the Jacuzzi. I sat there beside him. I wanted to grab on to his arm and lean against him. Not really in a sexual way, just for platonic body contact I guess. I actually had a dream circulating around the same scenario. I was sitting on his lap clutching on to his arm while my head was cradled next to his neck.

We started conversing online and it felt sort of like old times. I’d stay on the computer despite wanting to leave and do something else because I valued the conversation. I liked being able to talk to him like this. To be able to talk to someone in general about things. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to someone that I forgot how good it felt.

I got a reply from Josh, that 20 year old music major I messaged on myspace. I sent him a message about that movie Once despite not getting a reply to the introductory message I sent him. He just said that he'd check it out. I think he was just a fleeting crush. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. Despite wanting a relationship, I’ve been good about not clinging on to potential prospects. I’ve browsed ads on craigslist out of curiosity but never took up any offers. I’d find some potentials and consider sending a message out but then I get scared. More often than not, I fail to meet their specific criteria or the fact that they don’t have a picture up keeps me wary. Am I that shallow that I don’t want to meet someone because I’m afraid they may not be tolerable to look at? And I’m pretty lenient when it comes to looks.

I skipped lecture today and was considering skipping lab too. I mean, just the thought that I’d have to engage in conversation with Justin had me debating whether or not I should go. There are times when I’d like to just sit back and relax and not feel like I have to say or do anything just so things aren’t awkward. I feel pressured to be on and alert. And that got me thinking. Who’d want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Someone who desires another’s company but values their alone time?

Briefing.

Friday night

So Todd and them totally ditched me Friday. I had called him and he didn’t pick up. I sent him an IM saying happy birthday, no reply. So I’m like, ok. I’m going out anyway. I figured I’d call Christina to see if she was up for a movie. With her break up though, she was pretty adamant about not going anywhere (then she goes out with some other friends apparently a few days after that. Hah). But at the time it was like, it’s really not about me trying to cheer you up or get your mind off things. I just want someone to go watch a movie with. I know she doesn’t want to talk about what happened, which is why I didn’t bring it up. She didn’t even call me to tell me that they had broken up, I had to hear it from my sister. Whatever.

Anyway, I decided to go see Once over at the Landmark Theater in Hillcrest which turned out to be really good. Very moving. The music was great too. I felt like a drink afterwards so I decided to go walk around to see if something was open near by. I’m at the corner of University and 5^th when this older black guy is crossing the street. On the corner there’s this well dressed white guy in a suit with some luggage off to his right. The older black guy goes “Hey, do you need a ride? I can give you a ride” in this sly sort of speech implying something more than just a simple ride. And it just disgusted me.

After about a block, I decided to head back and just go to the Egyptian Tea House. They have open mic nights on Fridays so I wanted to see if anyone was doing anything. When I got to my car, there was this guy in a tank top driving by in some silver car. He glanced towards me and I looked back. And he turned his gaze in a very disinterested manner. I instantly felt scrubby. When I looked in the mirror I started picking out things that I absolutely hated and it just started building up with all the other things that had been going on.

When I get to the tea house, it’s packed and no one is playing. So I get a hot chocolate to go and that Asian girl behind the counter goes, “Oh hey. Guy with the cool shoes right? Do you have them on right now?” Then while I’m sitting down the familiar white girl says something like, “Your shoes make me happy. I get happy whenever I see your shoes and your cool hair.” And that wasn’t enough to bring me out of my funk. I drove home and called it a night.

Saturday

Mark had cancelled combo and I was pretty pissed about that. I’ve been looking forward to it since we preformed but it’s been two weeks now that he’s cancelled. But I had plans for later that night so at least I had something going for me. I ended up at Nathan’s graduation party which was pretty lackluster at best. I mean, no offence to him and his crowed, but if the only thing we do when we hang out is watch movies and play games it’s gonna get tired really quick. It would probably be a different story if I were into games like I used to be. So from the get go I wanted to just leave and go to the gym already as planned prior to the party.

So we get to leave and it’s Wii, Angel and me. After we got situated, Wii went to go do his usual routine on the floor while Angel and I went to the pool. Instead of doing laps, we ended up talking and after tip-toeing around the subject I basically said “I was never really into girls.” Then came on conversations surrounding the subject and other tangent topics. He kept trying to persuade me into telling Wii, saying that we’d be closer as friends if I were to share something so personal. I just have a lot of issues with that but it pretty much comes down to timing. I don’t want to be like “Oh hey Wii, there are two people in the room: you and me. Who’s gay?”

He was really flattered that I told him though. Flattered that I trusted him enough to want to confide in him, which I did, but it’s not like I planned on telling him. Ultimately it’s just easy to tell strangers. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

As of right now, I don’t really feel the need to tell him because it’s not really relevant. I tired talking to him the other day and was pretty standoffish. The whole reason why I want to tell him is because I want to build some sort of close friendship. I want to be another option for him rather than just Angel. But I don’t know. I don’t feel like he wants me as an option. Which is fine.

Oh well. What can you do?

Took this last night. It was one of the rare moments that I thought I looked decent enough.

The Grad Party

Last night was a fun. Sort of.

I pretty much bombed my chem. test. It was 3am in the morning and I hadn’t reviewed anything. Figured I’d take my chances and see how I could do on my own. At least I know what to expect from now on. I clocked out when I got home.

I was supposed to meet up with Todd at 9. Took a quick shower and headed out. When I finally found parking, I noticed Calvin walking out towards his car. I didn’t say anything and just went inside and sat down on the couch. He came back in with this surprised look on his face and asked, “Hey. How long have you been here?” “Just got here,” I said. After eating half of the burrito Todd had bought for me, we left to go over to Vons to pick up some beer. He got a call from some girl named Sandy. So we detoured and went to her place first instead of the grad party.

She was a really cool girl, very pretty, attractive, Asian, curly hair. But not my type at all. Supposedly she’s a 24-hour stoner or something to that extent. She’d be a cool friend though. Nick was with her too. I thought they were a couple but they turned out to be just roommates. He was a tall 25 year old white guy, into tennis, in some medical related field. She introduced me to PeterAnswers.com which seriously blew my mind. Calvin and his girlfriend Chrissy came over. By this time I had 3 shots of whisky and was already feeling lightheaded. We eventually went downstairs to the party.

It was a pajama party. You had some people in bathrobes, towels, and sweatpants. We went in there fully clothed. I had a jello shot with raspberry vodka and two shots of vodka. This girl tried to talk to me. We caught each others eyes and she walked over to me and started talking. Her name was Fallon, Computer Science major over at UCSD. She looked like one of those angry Asian women. After some brief introductions, and a compliment about my hair, we just sorta stood there. And I cursed myself for being so unsociable. So I went to put both of us out of our misery and said I was gonna throw my cup away. She walked back to some other people and started dancing with this guy. Good for her.

When we left, I was feeling really dizzy. I ended up on the floor in the stairway trying to steady my head and my stomach. Chrissy went to get me some water and after she did, I hobbled downstairs and tried to walk back to Todd’s place as he kept me stabilized. I crashed on his couch.

What sucked was that I couldn’t fall asleep despite being unable to keep my eyes open. I was conscious enough to take notice of everyone leaving for work or whatever in the morning. Around 10 or 11, Todd came down and we ended up talking a long time about stuff. Actually, it was mostly just him talking to me about stuff. Even when I was at the door ready to leave, we were still talking but at that point I felt more involved in the conversation.

But yea, I took my burrito and left. His birthday is next week. Should be interesting.

Justin

My lab partner. He’s very vocal but not in an obnoxious way. He can easily carry a conversation and keep it going without me having to put much of an effort. I realized that he was actually in my lecture class as well. We talked a bit before heading in to class where he sat in the back. I debated whether or not I should have sat by him but I didn’t want to make it seem like I was clinging to him just because we worked together. So I sat a row in front of him. It’s a lecture class. It’s not like we would say anything to each other anyway.

While we work together with labs, we end up doing our own thing when it comes to answering the questions aside from the occasional answer and progress checks. We ended up being the last ones to leave the class. He wanted to get as much done as possible so that there wasn’t much left over for homework. So despite the urge to leave, I stayed with him.

On the way back to the parking lot, we talked about a few things. Turns out he’s a painter. That actually caught me off guard. He didn’t look the type. He said before that it’s all about school now and we have classes from 11:30 to about 5 in addition to a night class he’s taking over at City as well that starts at 6. I wonder how he gets by.

He looks very mature. Probably mid-late 20’s, tan, tall, short dirty blonde hair, right arm tattoo sleeve.

Hm. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess just to keep track of who I’ve met.

Point Loma

Album: Laura - Mapping Your Dreams

Repost from a sordid forum I no longer have the desire to visit. At least for the time being anyway.

Laura - Mapping Your Dreams (2005)

Genre: Post rock <3

1 Jericho 1

2 Levodopa

3 We Should Keep This Secret

4 Fugitive

5 Non Serviam

6 We Are Mapping Your Dreams

7 Hikikomori

8 Raise Your Flags

9 Ariadne

10 Heliopause

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While surfing for another album, I stumbled upon this and it just blew my mind despite it being a superficial pick up. Being a big fan of inks, I adored the cover. I had no clue what to expect and I didn't anticipate it to be this fucking good.

A Recap of Sorts.

I was pretty devastated after going off to see a counselor. I thought I had this future thing planned out. But I suppose it isn’t surprising that life decided to slip the rug from under me. I guess I didn’t want to know for sure. It would be easier to believe in a lie than to have reality slap you in the face though obviously not beneficial. So that’s fine. I just have to reevaluate my position.

I’ve been apprehensive about taking a speech course after being informed that it was a requirement to transfer to a UC. I am not a public speaker. I am very uncomfortable with the idea to the point of nausea. And it’s not limited to public speaking either. Social situations that involve 3 or more people make me anxious and to counter that anxiety, I slip in to the background. Interacting with one or two people is preferable because I feel comfortable enough to ask the questions that I want. It’s more intimate, more my flow. But I figure, I need this class so to hell with it. Register now and figure out everything else as it comes along.

I went out with Mimi the other day. The first day we got together earlier in the week, I had came out to her. I have been holding on to the belief that I do not need to be vocal about it until it became an issue. After all, straight people don’t have to proclaim their straightness. But it’s not the same. People already assume they’re straight. And if you’re not running around in skimpy denim shorts and shirtless vests then obviously they’re not going to assume anything’s amiss.

We ended up talking about a certain guy who gave off very strong homosexual vibes. According to her, as well as some other people, he apparently wasn’t. So I said “Well, he’s not, but I am.” I told her that it was probably not a surprise because I don’t feel a need to cover my tracks anymore however; it made me happy to know that it was a bit of a surprise to her. It was incredibly liberating. On our trip to Point Loma, we talked about anything and everything. I have never been able to talk with her about anything because I didn’t want conversation to get to a point where she would start asking questions.

Something she said made me sort of uneasy though and not really hopeful where relationships are concerned. But I’m not doing profile sweeps and sending my resume out via private messages anymore. Fuck the community.

First day of school yesterday. I was walking through the halls and a pair of Asian girls were walking towards me. One of them said “I like your hair.” “Thanks.” “It looks really soft. Can I touch it?” “Uh, sure.” She reached over and ran her fingers down my bangs. “Wow! It’s so Asian.” “Um, thanks? I guess.” Then this environmentalist tried to talk to me. I gave them the same story I did with all the others and went on to buy a drink. After sitting down on a shaded concrete bench, 2 guys asked me if I wanted to take a survey. The guy who was talking to me had really dry skin, to the point of flakes. He had a nice face though. It ended up being about religion.

And then I wondered, why are all these people trying to talk to me all of a sudden? This goes against what Mimi said about how unapproachable I am. But I guess if you want something from them it gives a bit of momentum. The first question he asked was to use words to describe my life. After a long pause, all I could say was something along the lines of “Dull, Ordinary, and uneventful.” For some reason it’s been on my mind throughout the day.