I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) with Wii, Angel and Rohanie. While Wii and Angel went to do their routine, I went over to the pool with Rohanie. We didn’t really talk much and when we did, it wasn’t about anything important. Eventually, Wii and Angel came over and we ended up messing around in the pool a bit, rambling on about various things. There came a point when the two guys started throwing each other around. Wii tried to go under water and grab me so he could toss me around but he couldn’t see underwater I guess so he ended up just grazing the front of my legs. I suggested crouching on top of his shoulders while he was under water so I could push off when he came up. As I swam over behind him, I could feel my body get lighter, my nerves racing. Looking at his pale back I hesitated to touch it. As if the slightest bit of contact would cause my body to implode.
Getting out of the pool, there was a strange weight that seemed to have been gained during our 4 hour swimming session. We sat down in the sauna for a bit. It was more enjoyable than the first time actually. I guess it’s because we came straight from the pool instead of from the Jacuzzi. I sat there beside him. I wanted to grab on to his arm and lean against him. Not really in a sexual way, just for platonic body contact I guess. I actually had a dream circulating around the same scenario. I was sitting on his lap clutching on to his arm while my head was cradled next to his neck.
We started conversing online and it felt sort of like old times. I’d stay on the computer despite wanting to leave and do something else because I valued the conversation. I liked being able to talk to him like this. To be able to talk to someone in general about things. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to someone that I forgot how good it felt.
I got a reply from Josh, that 20 year old music major I messaged on myspace. I sent him a message about that movie Once despite not getting a reply to the introductory message I sent him. He just said that he'd check it out. I think he was just a fleeting crush. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. Despite wanting a relationship, I’ve been good about not clinging on to potential prospects. I’ve browsed ads on craigslist out of curiosity but never took up any offers. I’d find some potentials and consider sending a message out but then I get scared. More often than not, I fail to meet their specific criteria or the fact that they don’t have a picture up keeps me wary. Am I that shallow that I don’t want to meet someone because I’m afraid they may not be tolerable to look at? And I’m pretty lenient when it comes to looks.
I skipped lecture today and was considering skipping lab too. I mean, just the thought that I’d have to engage in conversation with Justin had me debating whether or not I should go. There are times when I’d like to just sit back and relax and not feel like I have to say or do anything just so things aren’t awkward. I feel pressured to be on and alert. And that got me thinking. Who’d want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Someone who desires another’s company but values their alone time?
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