A Recap of Sorts.

I was pretty devastated after going off to see a counselor. I thought I had this future thing planned out. But I suppose it isn’t surprising that life decided to slip the rug from under me. I guess I didn’t want to know for sure. It would be easier to believe in a lie than to have reality slap you in the face though obviously not beneficial. So that’s fine. I just have to reevaluate my position.

I’ve been apprehensive about taking a speech course after being informed that it was a requirement to transfer to a UC. I am not a public speaker. I am very uncomfortable with the idea to the point of nausea. And it’s not limited to public speaking either. Social situations that involve 3 or more people make me anxious and to counter that anxiety, I slip in to the background. Interacting with one or two people is preferable because I feel comfortable enough to ask the questions that I want. It’s more intimate, more my flow. But I figure, I need this class so to hell with it. Register now and figure out everything else as it comes along.

I went out with Mimi the other day. The first day we got together earlier in the week, I had came out to her. I have been holding on to the belief that I do not need to be vocal about it until it became an issue. After all, straight people don’t have to proclaim their straightness. But it’s not the same. People already assume they’re straight. And if you’re not running around in skimpy denim shorts and shirtless vests then obviously they’re not going to assume anything’s amiss.

We ended up talking about a certain guy who gave off very strong homosexual vibes. According to her, as well as some other people, he apparently wasn’t. So I said “Well, he’s not, but I am.” I told her that it was probably not a surprise because I don’t feel a need to cover my tracks anymore however; it made me happy to know that it was a bit of a surprise to her. It was incredibly liberating. On our trip to Point Loma, we talked about anything and everything. I have never been able to talk with her about anything because I didn’t want conversation to get to a point where she would start asking questions.

Something she said made me sort of uneasy though and not really hopeful where relationships are concerned. But I’m not doing profile sweeps and sending my resume out via private messages anymore. Fuck the community.

First day of school yesterday. I was walking through the halls and a pair of Asian girls were walking towards me. One of them said “I like your hair.” “Thanks.” “It looks really soft. Can I touch it?” “Uh, sure.” She reached over and ran her fingers down my bangs. “Wow! It’s so Asian.” “Um, thanks? I guess.” Then this environmentalist tried to talk to me. I gave them the same story I did with all the others and went on to buy a drink. After sitting down on a shaded concrete bench, 2 guys asked me if I wanted to take a survey. The guy who was talking to me had really dry skin, to the point of flakes. He had a nice face though. It ended up being about religion.

And then I wondered, why are all these people trying to talk to me all of a sudden? This goes against what Mimi said about how unapproachable I am. But I guess if you want something from them it gives a bit of momentum. The first question he asked was to use words to describe my life. After a long pause, all I could say was something along the lines of “Dull, Ordinary, and uneventful.” For some reason it’s been on my mind throughout the day.