Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Office
It was my first day on the job. Corporate office type job. White walls, high ceilings, and several rows of computers. I was having a lunch break. This guy had it in for me. The boss came over. The guy mentioned something about me stealing stuff. So the boss started searching my desk. He found random office supplies like extra memo pads and another person’s name plate. He took it as a serious allegation but since I was new he felt it odd that I would immediately jeopardize my position there. So I was on probation. Of course I was innocent, but everyone else who fed on the rumors held on to the notion of me being a thief. A select few who I had made acquaintances with knew better, but for some reason, they only provided superficial support.
I was frustrated. I ran away for a bit to calm down. Climbing staircase after staircase until I was a floor away from the roof where an orchestral group held practices. I could hear the friction between the bow and the strings, rosin flying through the air. On the floor was a corridor that extended over road and connected to another building. Through the glass walls I saw a car accident that I hadn’t noticed initially. There was a black guy face down in the middle of the road. He was shirtless and had loose torn fabric covering his lower half, bloody. He was caught in the rain and headlights. When he tried to get up he was unusually well hung.
I tried to figure a way to get back at the guy who set me up. My group devised a plan to virus up his computer while protecting everyone else’s. But it didn’t pan out. Things just continued quietly and he didn’t seem to cause any more problems. One day the boss came around and started working with my neighbor and her computer. He gave me a password to write down so that I’ll remember it for future events and I couldn’t seem to write it right. I was trying to find scraps of paper to write it down on since all my supplies were confiscated. The guy, who sat next to me on my left, grabbed all the spare pieces of paper I was trying to write on. I eventually snapped and pushed his head down on the table and started to punch it. Not so hard as to cause any major damage, but just enough to prove a point.
He hunched over and held his head when I was done. Apparently no one saw or heard so when they asked him what happened, he just said a headache.
It turned out that everyone working for the boss was under some kind of mind control. He started sending guys to attack me. Back flip, back flip. Two burly woman in orange jumpsuits came at me. One of them was pregnant. If she was willing to fight me with a baby in her then that was her business. HADOUKEN.
When I got out of the building there was one more dark skinned woman in my way. I tried to fireball her she kept coming at me. So I started to kick and punch her back towards a set of stairs and pushed her down. As I was running away, someone called out to me. It was the guy who sat across from me. He was the one who helped me with the virus plan. The one who believed in me. Before I ran off, I embraced him tightly and kissed him. I could feel his tongue, the shock in his face. I smiled before I ran off.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I Saw A Cute Guy Today.
It was 4:36pm and I was on my way to class. It’s still sunny outside surprisingly and the weather isn’t as cold as it usually is. Nevertheless, I still decided to wear my knee length over coat. It would have to cool down eventually. It’s almost winter after all. He had dark hair. Short but still long enough to be shaggy. A white collar was peeking out of his blue sweater. Dark pants led down to an interesting pair of black leather boots. Ankle high I think. I was walking up the steep walkway just outside of the music building and he sat on the other side of the railing on the grass. I kept my glaze at bay looking down at the floor or off to the side at practically nothing till I willed myself to look turn my attention to him.
I caught his eyes for a moment before I looked away. In hindsight it seemed like a considerable amount of time but it was rather quick and indifferent. I couldn’t really feel anything out much less gauge his interest in me, if any. There was a distinct glare in his eyes, almost as if it captured the sun. As if I were seeing not him, but rather a barrier caused by the reflection of the light in his eyes. I was caught up with the thought of him that the guy I usually take notice of didn’t really matter much today.
I guess that’s just the result of having so much love to give and no one to give it to. It ignites in small bursts to what I recognize as the instant attraction I feel for these people. But when it all boils down to it. It’s just a matter of how strong that attraction is for me to take action. Then it becomes an epic battle between my head and my heart. I just hope that I’m fortunate enough to see him again next week, and the week after, and the following weeks to come. If only for the small reassurance that there is still some beauty left in the world.
Through Thick and Thin.
Funny thing.
Wii sent me a message on AIM Sunday. I checked my phone and I had missed a call from him. He asked me if I wanted to go to Beverages and More to check out their beer and maybe get something to eat.
While I was getting ready, Anna shoots me an IM. I’ve been avoiding her for the longest time though I didn’t want to come out and actually say hey leave me alone. I debated whether or not I should say something back to her. Eventually I caved in and decided to stop be such an ass. It was very light conversation and I made sure not to tell her anything specific about my life other than being in a band. If that’s the only thing she’ll relay to Joe then the highlights are all she needs.
The outing with Wii was nice. Bought some beer to try out, caught up on some stuff, had Mexican food. It ended kind of weird. We made plans to go to the gym on Thursday and he joked and said something about canceling. “Just like Halloween,” I retorted. “I was actually just looking forward to hanging out with Melissa.” I walked towards front door in a huff after mumbling something in disappointment.
It got me thinking: Why do I put up with his bullshit? I mean he’s a great conversationalist and nice to be around, but when shit hits the fan, I wonder if it’s friendship that brings me back, or deep down somewhere I still have feelings for him. I get that nothing will ever come of it and that’s fine with me. But when I react all hurt when he says that he was looking forward to seeing her and not me, you have to step back for a bit and wonder why that is.
I know for a fact that if it was anyone else, I would have clocked out a long time ago. I guess what keeps me coming back to him is that despite what’s going on with me, he always comes back for me.
Hm. I guess I should be thankful.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Friends.
I was sleeping in a big room. There were mattresses on either side of the room and in the middle was a bunk bed made out of ottomans or footstools stacked on top of each other. I was on the top bunk trying to prostrate myself so as not to fall off the small space. There was one guy on the left mattress, another on the bunk below me, and two more guys on the right mattress. I remember erasing the names off the things in the fridge just so I could check on them later to see if anyone had written their names back on. Just so I knew for sure I wasn’t alone.
I remember sleeping next to Wii. The room was a bright white with sunlight streaming through the windows. The beds were packed with down comforters. He kept trying to talk to me about all these random things but I wouldn’t respond, even though he knew I was still awake. Finally he kicked me in the back and I caved in a spoke. He asked why I wasn’t saying anything and I just said that I was tired and was trying to sleep, but we both knew that was bullshit.
Just the other night I had another dream involving him. We were in a classroom setting that took place in a video game store. I had sat down at a two chair desk behind him and Pudgy and he turned around and said something to me and I just looked at him, gave a little smirk and turned my head down. To add insult to injury, I started chatting up the girls next to me in an almost flirting sort of manner.
I don’t know if this is just run off from the guilt I have at intentionally keeping him at bay or what. I think part of the reason why I’m doing it is because I don’t want to disappoint him. I mentioned how he said that he was trying to reconnect with older friends, “not to say that you’re not doing a good job.” I tried to cut him off from saying anything else. “No no, I understand.” I did. But it didn’t change the fact that it still hurt to feel like I wasn’t enough. Then I’m just reminded of how Pudgy said before he left that he felt good about leaving Wii in good hands. I think that him leaving was an excuse to get sentimental because I don’t think he really knows who I am. Partly because I haven’t made an effort to show him other than that I’m not straight.
I still haven’t seen or heard from him since Halloween.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Pfft, Halloween.
Start of the day I received two texts from Anna. Both contained a picture of her cat and a mention of Happy Halloweens. One of them came attached with an audio recording with both her and her cat making "meow" noises. I deleted them.
This whole lyric writing and composure business has got me really striving to find inspiration. Though sad to say that all my inspiration draws back to the... well, I wouldn't want to say the happiest time of my life but it was certainly a very significant pin point in my happiness road map. Of course with that happiness came an insufferable amount of pain. Despite my passive aggressive behavior, she hasn't gotten the hint that I don't wish to speak to her anymore. Nothing personal, I just don't want to incite the possibility that she might mention me to Joe in passing.
I just want to disappear from them both completely. And who knows, maybe I'll hear from him again and we'll carry on. Business as usual. Nothing personal.
Anyway, I received a text from a number whom I assumed to be Sherry. It has asked if I wanted to go to Halloween shooters tonight. I replied if my thing with Wii doesn't follow through sure. I'll call you. "Eric wants to know what thing with wii." It was Eric's girlfriend. I really have nothing against her, it just seems to me like she's trying to hard to be something different. As if to say, being quirky for the sake of being quirky. Sort of a similar reaction to a ghettoized white kid from suburbia.
In any event, the next text I received was from the long awaited Wii. I had been looking forward to this day ever since he mentioned it several weeks ago. His friend Melissa was supposed to come down from L.A. so we could go bar/club hoping around downtown. However, his text would state otherwise. Looks like melissa isn't coming. If you have other plans i suggest you go do them. I don't know what it was but it made me really upset and very angry. Maybe it was the fact that this flakey attitude I've received from this Melissa person was starting to irritate me because her not being there trumped an outing with a friend. Maybe it was because it trumped our outing that irritated me. He had mention something prior to that about how he's been trying to reconnect with some of his older high school friends, which I was ok with. I know I'm not the most exciting person to be around, but it's not like I go out of my way to be an imposition either.
Either way, it sucks to feel like you're not enough to keep the people you care about satisfied. There was just something to the tone of his text that just set me off. I felt like crying. I was in class and all I could mutter out was a simple fuck. I walked out and collapsed on a concrete block fencing and just lied there allowing whatever slipped out of my eyes to fall. After about a track or so from Ef's Give Me Beauty... album I dusted myself off and drove home.
My sister, her boyfriend and I ended up going out to eat. I was going to call it a night when Eric's girlfriend called me and off I went to Shooters. It was pretty dead. Some type of grunge goth bar or whatever. We ended up migrating over to some other bar that had karaoke. I chatted up a tipsy Peter Parker and took a picture of him, which he was pretty apprehensive about. Afterwards we went to a bar/lounge called the Pink Elephant where Eric and his girlfriend left me with his friend Manuel. It was a pretty awkward between us. Both of us aren't really the skilled conversationalists, but he made some efforts to keep us both talking. He kept trying to push me on all of these guys whom he assumed were gay but I had doubts about all of them.
One guy, Richard, I made an effort to talk to. Small talk. Nothing big. Very cute. He had this boyish face, was tall and built but I could tell he wasn't gay. Turns out we grew up around the same neighborhood. He took Tae Kwon Do. Went to SCPA. Was traveling to East Asian for about a month on business. They hit the lights and we were flooded with blinding fluorescentness.
Afterwards, we chatted up a guy, first "dude" then "party guy" then eventually Stopher, who said he was having an after party at a house near by. There were a few people there, but they soon left shortly after. I was waiting for a time when I could ditch Manuel to walk back to my car but I ended up staying. He and the other guy chatted up the girls, Manuel managed to get a number, and I bought a burrito before heading home.
Pfft, Halloween.
I think there was like one guy who got the reference. But I didn't chat him up enough to make sure. I know. Damn me. To everyone else I was a nazi communist hall monitor.