Friends.

I was sleeping in a big room. There were mattresses on either side of the room and in the middle was a bunk bed made out of ottomans or footstools stacked on top of each other. I was on the top bunk trying to prostrate myself so as not to fall off the small space. There was one guy on the left mattress, another on the bunk below me, and two more guys on the right mattress. I remember erasing the names off the things in the fridge just so I could check on them later to see if anyone had written their names back on. Just so I knew for sure I wasn’t alone.



I remember sleeping next to Wii. The room was a bright white with sunlight streaming through the windows. The beds were packed with down comforters. He kept trying to talk to me about all these random things but I wouldn’t respond, even though he knew I was still awake. Finally he kicked me in the back and I caved in a spoke. He asked why I wasn’t saying anything and I just said that I was tired and was trying to sleep, but we both knew that was bullshit.

Just the other night I had another dream involving him. We were in a classroom setting that took place in a video game store. I had sat down at a two chair desk behind him and Pudgy and he turned around and said something to me and I just looked at him, gave a little smirk and turned my head down. To add insult to injury, I started chatting up the girls next to me in an almost flirting sort of manner.

I don’t know if this is just run off from the guilt I have at intentionally keeping him at bay or what. I think part of the reason why I’m doing it is because I don’t want to disappoint him. I mentioned how he said that he was trying to reconnect with older friends, “not to say that you’re not doing a good job.” I tried to cut him off from saying anything else. “No no, I understand.” I did. But it didn’t change the fact that it still hurt to feel like I wasn’t enough. Then I’m just reminded of how Pudgy said before he left that he felt good about leaving Wii in good hands. I think that him leaving was an excuse to get sentimental because I don’t think he really knows who I am. Partly because I haven’t made an effort to show him other than that I’m not straight.

I still haven’t seen or heard from him since Halloween.