Mikey.

I saw a familiar face. It was Mikey on GG this time. I haven't seen him since we last spoke. All of a sudden he got really distant. He privatized his myspace and closed his GG account. It was like going through another break up. So to see him there again with a new acount, posting his pictures and reciving compliments, in all honesty is kind of painful. I know how selfish that is but I can't help but harbor feelings. Despite my resolve to burn bridges, to alienate myself from people, to despise the social network, I can't help but desire the opposite. I actively reject what I want because I'm afraid I can't have it. Or rather yet I'm afraid that I will have it then lose it. Amidst that fear I make my strides and reach out, form connections, but they never really fade. I still have all the stuff we used to send to each other. I have his pictures in my phone. For what purpose I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that I was happy at some point. Or that he is no longer apart of my life. If that's the case, why does he still affect me so?

New Semester, New Chair.

So first day of classes was a semi-failure. I couldn’t get into my math class that I tried to crash but was still waitlisted for. I wanted to cry.

On the way to class I saw a computer chair by some trashcans. I need a new computer chair but I wanted to wait and see if someone was going to move it. Then some guy on a motorcycle crashed into the curb. He seemed like he was ok, just a little winded so I kept going. So after I was rejected, I walked back and saw the ambulance there talking to some people. The chair was still there so I drove my car over and started to stuff it in my car. It seemed like it was in good condition. I did notice some stains and some weird white stuff on the bottom but whatever. I was determined.

Psych class began after I killed some time shopping and running around looking for some aluminum cleaner that I never found. It was really hard to keep focused and awake. It was amazing how many times I had to keep reminding myself not to fall for every guy I see. Just keep your head down and to hell with them. I will not be swayed by your face.

But it looks like it’s going to be an interesting class. I did however spend all my book money on my bike. I completed it by buying a U-lock so I can finally take it out with me and feel safe that it’s not going to get stolen.

So I got the chair out and started working on it immediately. I didn’t want to leave it outside and I didn’t want to leave it in being as dirty as it was. That’s when I noticed that there was a streak in the middle. More resembling of a skid mark. Apparently someone shat in my new chair. The previous owner must have been a nudist because it seemed like someone deliberately rubbed their ass into the material. But that didn’t deter me, I was determined to have a new and better chair. Even if the mental image of an old naked incontinent is permanently etched into my head. But I figure hey, if this was my pet, or a baby that took a dump in my chair, I wouldn’t throw it out.

So I kept cleaning after I researched a bit of methods. After another two more hours of work I managed to get the stains out and the smell. So now we play the waiting game. When it dries I’m going to steam it, disinfect it, then steam it again just to make sure I covered all my bases. When I squeezed the towel I used to soak up all the moisture and dirt, it completely filled the sink with a dark and murky fluid. And while I’m sure I cleaned to the best of my abilities, I just pray that I don’t contract some form of hepatitis or a band of insects spring forth from some nest they decided to make in one of the nooks.

DDR Gym 3

Saturday morning I did 342.357kcal @ 30 minutes.

I didn't get to work out later that night cause I spent the entire evening fixing up my bike with Sean. But I bet that worked out some caloric reserves even though it was super cold.

Evelyn and Alex came over to watch the first Underworld as we had just got finished watching Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (It was ok). When she opened the case that Alex brought over there were roaches inside. Now, I'm a big fan of How Clean Is Your House and while I'm not saint myself when it comes to cleaning, I definitely don't have roaches hiding in my DVD boxes. I would always watch that show and wonder who in the world would live like that. But then I went into their house, and it was just, incredible. I wouldn't want to even piss in the toilet. We watched a movie there once and I had to flick roaches off of me the entire time. Plus there's like, a pile of cat shit and kitty litter in the corner of the hallway that no one cleans up so when we hang out, they both smell like cat shit.

I mean, those people are cool but jeez. When feces and insects get involved, there's health problems just waiting to happen.

I'm going to go over to Sean's house later to work on the bike some more. I'll post photos of those later. Maybe.

DDR Gym 2

Sorta fell off the posting wagon.

Wednesday:

Forgot how many calories I logged in but worked it for 30 minutes.

Today:

348.401kcal @ 30 minutes.

In other news I bought my first thong. I liked the Calvin Klein Steel series so I went ahead and finished the collection off with the thong. It's feels like I have a wedgie that I'm not supposed to pick. Ass floss I said I'd never wear.

Time Out.

I sent London Greg a message on Facebook. I don’t know why. I really liked talking to him. He seemed to be interested in me as well but his relationship status said that he was seeing something. We never really talked about that. So I can’t be upset that he hasn’t replied to my e-mail.

Last night I got a call from Wii. I’ve been avoiding him out of habit. When it’s just us I’m ok, but when we’re around other people I get really quiet and withdrawn. I don’t know why. So he kept telling me about work as usual. That some inebriated girl asked him out while he was taking her order. He contemplated asking her out, whether or not she’d remember giving him her number, if she’d reject him on the spot. I told him to go for it even though I can’t seem to follow my own advice. He wanted to hang out this weekend because he’s off work. Probably to some straight bar/club/whatever. Those don’t work out too well for me but apparently he has some vendetta against the homo establishments.

Meh. What can you do?

I decided to take a hiatus on the whole work out thing today. When I walk barefoot around the house I get these stabs of pain if I step on something that’s not leveled. I guess that’s what I get trying to get back into it on full blast. But the same goes for other aspects of my life.

Operaton: Radmage.

Watercolor, Inks

5" x 4"

DDR Gym.

So I decided to dust off the old pad and start stepping on arrows again. I wanted to do something for myself and jump on the whole New Years resolution weight loss bandwagon. I know it probably doesn't look like I need to lose weight but meh, I want to. Or at least tone up the mid-section. And I'm rarely active at all so any exercise is good exercise.

Method of choice is my dusty and scratched Dance Dance Revolution: Super Nova routine. Holy shit my legs hurt. I started yesterday and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I could feel all the loose skin and fatty reserves flopping up and down. By the end of it I was swimming in my own liquid and my legs wanted to give out but I felt good. There something about the sheen on my skin that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

Of course along with this I want to eat more vegetables. Being a pescatarian you would think that I would eat my fill of the lot, but sadly the past few months fries, eggs, and pasta have been my main source of sustenance. I just wish I could find a way to make them more delicious. Or you know, income to buy more delicious.

So here's to you slight stomach pudge. May I never feel you hanging over my low rise jeans again.

Yesterday: 354.09Kcal @ 50 minutes.

Today: 239.258kcal @ 30 minutes

How Long Can I Run Away?

It’s been 2 years and 8 months since I last heard from him yet he’s always in the back of my mind. A dormant parasite that eats away at my consciousness. It amazes me how frightened I become when I find traces of him on the net.

I was browsing this forum and saw a guy who looked interesting. Followed him to his myspace and there in his top friends list is that face staring back at me. I could feel my throat tighten. My nerves starting to dim. But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to invaded what was once familiar territory. New faces, new situations. He looked the same. He was employed. I took these little snippets and ran. I took down my photos off that site in fear that he would see them. Part of me wanting him to, but a larger part wanting to remain a mystery. I want to disappear from his life because it’s simply easier than wanting to be in it knowing that I can’t.

Today I was jumping around last.fm when I went to the Gaygamer.net community page of which I am a member of. I glanced over the comments: 1 made in the last few days, the remaining, months ago. That’s when I noticed a user name that struck a chord with me in the recently visited section. I clicked on it and there underneath his user name was his name. I felt the impact similar to getting punched in the stomach. I left the group in the hope that he wouldn’t find me there though he would see the group activity with my name on it saying I had left.

I wonder how long I can keep running away.

Sometimes I'm disgusted at how small the gay community is, even on the national level.