It’s been 2 years and 8 months since I last heard from him yet he’s always in the back of my mind. A dormant parasite that eats away at my consciousness. It amazes me how frightened I become when I find traces of him on the net.
I was browsing this forum and saw a guy who looked interesting. Followed him to his myspace and there in his top friends list is that face staring back at me. I could feel my throat tighten. My nerves starting to dim. But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to invaded what was once familiar territory. New faces, new situations. He looked the same. He was employed. I took these little snippets and ran. I took down my photos off that site in fear that he would see them. Part of me wanting him to, but a larger part wanting to remain a mystery. I want to disappear from his life because it’s simply easier than wanting to be in it knowing that I can’t.
Today I was jumping around last.fm when I went to the Gaygamer.net community page of which I am a member of. I glanced over the comments: 1 made in the last few days, the remaining, months ago. That’s when I noticed a user name that struck a chord with me in the recently visited section. I clicked on it and there underneath his user name was his name. I felt the impact similar to getting punched in the stomach. I left the group in the hope that he wouldn’t find me there though he would see the group activity with my name on it saying I had left.
I wonder how long I can keep running away.
Sometimes I'm disgusted at how small the gay community is, even on the national level.
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