Old Friends and Fortune Cookies

I saw him this past Wednesday.

I made the drive over to his work; Balboa Ave all the way west towards Pacific Beach. I parked about 3 or 4 blocks away. He met me there outside of the office and we walked over towards Fatburger. He walked in front while I followed him. I noticed his hooded jacket, his dark blue jeans, and what looked to be a pair of new brown graffiti flat slip-ons. I didn’t say much until we got back to the office. My throat was running dry. Maybe from the lack of nutrients, or could it have been my nerves. Maybe it was because it was the day after I told him. Whatever it was for some reason I couldn’t get comfortable.

We sat there alone in the office, computers lined up against a wall, newspapers scattered about, books and files on the shelves in no particular order. We talked about a multitude of things, or rather he did. I merely provided an ear. Nothing about what we discussed the night prior. It was, a little upsetting I guess. Now that it’s out in the open, are we not supposed to talk about it?

His kindness. I loved and hated that about him. He spoke of how weird it was for me to shower him with stuff while I went through my period of obsessive affection. He told me back then to stop buying him stuff but I didn’t. I thought I was justified. I thought that he would see that I had him in mind. I now realize what a terrible approach that was in a desperate attempt to try and console his seemingly distraught mind. But he never treated me any differently. Despite the multiple fuck ups and awkward situations I created, he never acted differently towards me.

Sometimes I wish he would have. I wanted to get yelled at. Just some sign that I was getting through to him, even if it was negatively. At least then I would have been able to careen off that spell I had cast on myself instead of clinging at hope that one day I’d be more than just an acquaintance, more than a friend even.

I guess the universe, or the Chinese, wish to remind me that things aren’t so dismal. I’ve vocalized my opinion on the decline of fortune cookies and yesterday night, I happened to acquire one of the good ones:

Anime Expo 2007

This trip ended up being less about anime and more about taking pictures of cute and interesting guys I found attractive. So much fun. I didn't have it in me to ask these guys myself so I had a friend ask them for me. One day I'll build up the nerve. So, allow me to be superficial for a bit as I run through the polaroids.


He was one of the first ones I saw when we walked in. He looked cute in person but I think this photo borderlines hot. Sexy almost.


These boys had a sign up that said "Yaoi for pay." I thought it was pretty hilarious. I didn't get a good look at their faces but the humor made them interesting.


After running around outside for a bit to check on the cosplayers, I went back down to the exhibition floor to go scope out some other attractive people. By chance I bumped into this guy. He tapped me on the shoulder and said "You're Kaleb's friend right? It's me. His brother. Yea, I'd notice that punk rock look of yours anywhere." It took me awhile to remember his name and who he was because he seriously didn't look like the same person. Almost as if he had gotten older, or skinnier. I don't know, something changed. But it tripped me out that he recognized me and remembered who I was.


I don't know what it was about this guy. He just sort of attracted me.


I saw him walking around the floor and I wanted to stop him to get a picture of him, but circumstantially I couldn't. But by chance I saw him again and caught the opportunity. Looking at him now, he has an oddly shaped nose, but I swear, in person there's a certain aura about him that was pretty compelling. I also liked the color and cut of his hair.


I met this guy on a forum. It was pretty casual and I actually haven't heard from him in a while. I wanted to get in contact with him prior to leaving so we could meet up maybe, but I didn't know how to get through to him fast enough. By chance I saw him walking by and he just stood out. He's really tall and much more attractive in person. Shame that I couldn't spend more time together with him.

So yea, I have a thing for white guys these days. It used to be Asians before so who knows what it will be in the future.

Alone Together or Together Alone

I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) with Wii, Angel and Rohanie. While Wii and Angel went to do their routine, I went over to the pool with Rohanie. We didn’t really talk much and when we did, it wasn’t about anything important. Eventually, Wii and Angel came over and we ended up messing around in the pool a bit, rambling on about various things. There came a point when the two guys started throwing each other around. Wii tried to go under water and grab me so he could toss me around but he couldn’t see underwater I guess so he ended up just grazing the front of my legs. I suggested crouching on top of his shoulders while he was under water so I could push off when he came up. As I swam over behind him, I could feel my body get lighter, my nerves racing. Looking at his pale back I hesitated to touch it. As if the slightest bit of contact would cause my body to implode.

Getting out of the pool, there was a strange weight that seemed to have been gained during our 4 hour swimming session. We sat down in the sauna for a bit. It was more enjoyable than the first time actually. I guess it’s because we came straight from the pool instead of from the Jacuzzi. I sat there beside him. I wanted to grab on to his arm and lean against him. Not really in a sexual way, just for platonic body contact I guess. I actually had a dream circulating around the same scenario. I was sitting on his lap clutching on to his arm while my head was cradled next to his neck.

We started conversing online and it felt sort of like old times. I’d stay on the computer despite wanting to leave and do something else because I valued the conversation. I liked being able to talk to him like this. To be able to talk to someone in general about things. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to someone that I forgot how good it felt.

I got a reply from Josh, that 20 year old music major I messaged on myspace. I sent him a message about that movie Once despite not getting a reply to the introductory message I sent him. He just said that he'd check it out. I think he was just a fleeting crush. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. Despite wanting a relationship, I’ve been good about not clinging on to potential prospects. I’ve browsed ads on craigslist out of curiosity but never took up any offers. I’d find some potentials and consider sending a message out but then I get scared. More often than not, I fail to meet their specific criteria or the fact that they don’t have a picture up keeps me wary. Am I that shallow that I don’t want to meet someone because I’m afraid they may not be tolerable to look at? And I’m pretty lenient when it comes to looks.

I skipped lecture today and was considering skipping lab too. I mean, just the thought that I’d have to engage in conversation with Justin had me debating whether or not I should go. There are times when I’d like to just sit back and relax and not feel like I have to say or do anything just so things aren’t awkward. I feel pressured to be on and alert. And that got me thinking. Who’d want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Someone who desires another’s company but values their alone time?

Briefing.

Friday night

So Todd and them totally ditched me Friday. I had called him and he didn’t pick up. I sent him an IM saying happy birthday, no reply. So I’m like, ok. I’m going out anyway. I figured I’d call Christina to see if she was up for a movie. With her break up though, she was pretty adamant about not going anywhere (then she goes out with some other friends apparently a few days after that. Hah). But at the time it was like, it’s really not about me trying to cheer you up or get your mind off things. I just want someone to go watch a movie with. I know she doesn’t want to talk about what happened, which is why I didn’t bring it up. She didn’t even call me to tell me that they had broken up, I had to hear it from my sister. Whatever.

Anyway, I decided to go see Once over at the Landmark Theater in Hillcrest which turned out to be really good. Very moving. The music was great too. I felt like a drink afterwards so I decided to go walk around to see if something was open near by. I’m at the corner of University and 5^th when this older black guy is crossing the street. On the corner there’s this well dressed white guy in a suit with some luggage off to his right. The older black guy goes “Hey, do you need a ride? I can give you a ride” in this sly sort of speech implying something more than just a simple ride. And it just disgusted me.

After about a block, I decided to head back and just go to the Egyptian Tea House. They have open mic nights on Fridays so I wanted to see if anyone was doing anything. When I got to my car, there was this guy in a tank top driving by in some silver car. He glanced towards me and I looked back. And he turned his gaze in a very disinterested manner. I instantly felt scrubby. When I looked in the mirror I started picking out things that I absolutely hated and it just started building up with all the other things that had been going on.

When I get to the tea house, it’s packed and no one is playing. So I get a hot chocolate to go and that Asian girl behind the counter goes, “Oh hey. Guy with the cool shoes right? Do you have them on right now?” Then while I’m sitting down the familiar white girl says something like, “Your shoes make me happy. I get happy whenever I see your shoes and your cool hair.” And that wasn’t enough to bring me out of my funk. I drove home and called it a night.

Saturday

Mark had cancelled combo and I was pretty pissed about that. I’ve been looking forward to it since we preformed but it’s been two weeks now that he’s cancelled. But I had plans for later that night so at least I had something going for me. I ended up at Nathan’s graduation party which was pretty lackluster at best. I mean, no offence to him and his crowed, but if the only thing we do when we hang out is watch movies and play games it’s gonna get tired really quick. It would probably be a different story if I were into games like I used to be. So from the get go I wanted to just leave and go to the gym already as planned prior to the party.

So we get to leave and it’s Wii, Angel and me. After we got situated, Wii went to go do his usual routine on the floor while Angel and I went to the pool. Instead of doing laps, we ended up talking and after tip-toeing around the subject I basically said “I was never really into girls.” Then came on conversations surrounding the subject and other tangent topics. He kept trying to persuade me into telling Wii, saying that we’d be closer as friends if I were to share something so personal. I just have a lot of issues with that but it pretty much comes down to timing. I don’t want to be like “Oh hey Wii, there are two people in the room: you and me. Who’s gay?”

He was really flattered that I told him though. Flattered that I trusted him enough to want to confide in him, which I did, but it’s not like I planned on telling him. Ultimately it’s just easy to tell strangers. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

As of right now, I don’t really feel the need to tell him because it’s not really relevant. I tired talking to him the other day and was pretty standoffish. The whole reason why I want to tell him is because I want to build some sort of close friendship. I want to be another option for him rather than just Angel. But I don’t know. I don’t feel like he wants me as an option. Which is fine.

Oh well. What can you do?

Took this last night. It was one of the rare moments that I thought I looked decent enough.

The Grad Party

Last night was a fun. Sort of.

I pretty much bombed my chem. test. It was 3am in the morning and I hadn’t reviewed anything. Figured I’d take my chances and see how I could do on my own. At least I know what to expect from now on. I clocked out when I got home.

I was supposed to meet up with Todd at 9. Took a quick shower and headed out. When I finally found parking, I noticed Calvin walking out towards his car. I didn’t say anything and just went inside and sat down on the couch. He came back in with this surprised look on his face and asked, “Hey. How long have you been here?” “Just got here,” I said. After eating half of the burrito Todd had bought for me, we left to go over to Vons to pick up some beer. He got a call from some girl named Sandy. So we detoured and went to her place first instead of the grad party.

She was a really cool girl, very pretty, attractive, Asian, curly hair. But not my type at all. Supposedly she’s a 24-hour stoner or something to that extent. She’d be a cool friend though. Nick was with her too. I thought they were a couple but they turned out to be just roommates. He was a tall 25 year old white guy, into tennis, in some medical related field. She introduced me to PeterAnswers.com which seriously blew my mind. Calvin and his girlfriend Chrissy came over. By this time I had 3 shots of whisky and was already feeling lightheaded. We eventually went downstairs to the party.

It was a pajama party. You had some people in bathrobes, towels, and sweatpants. We went in there fully clothed. I had a jello shot with raspberry vodka and two shots of vodka. This girl tried to talk to me. We caught each others eyes and she walked over to me and started talking. Her name was Fallon, Computer Science major over at UCSD. She looked like one of those angry Asian women. After some brief introductions, and a compliment about my hair, we just sorta stood there. And I cursed myself for being so unsociable. So I went to put both of us out of our misery and said I was gonna throw my cup away. She walked back to some other people and started dancing with this guy. Good for her.

When we left, I was feeling really dizzy. I ended up on the floor in the stairway trying to steady my head and my stomach. Chrissy went to get me some water and after she did, I hobbled downstairs and tried to walk back to Todd’s place as he kept me stabilized. I crashed on his couch.

What sucked was that I couldn’t fall asleep despite being unable to keep my eyes open. I was conscious enough to take notice of everyone leaving for work or whatever in the morning. Around 10 or 11, Todd came down and we ended up talking a long time about stuff. Actually, it was mostly just him talking to me about stuff. Even when I was at the door ready to leave, we were still talking but at that point I felt more involved in the conversation.

But yea, I took my burrito and left. His birthday is next week. Should be interesting.

Justin

My lab partner. He’s very vocal but not in an obnoxious way. He can easily carry a conversation and keep it going without me having to put much of an effort. I realized that he was actually in my lecture class as well. We talked a bit before heading in to class where he sat in the back. I debated whether or not I should have sat by him but I didn’t want to make it seem like I was clinging to him just because we worked together. So I sat a row in front of him. It’s a lecture class. It’s not like we would say anything to each other anyway.

While we work together with labs, we end up doing our own thing when it comes to answering the questions aside from the occasional answer and progress checks. We ended up being the last ones to leave the class. He wanted to get as much done as possible so that there wasn’t much left over for homework. So despite the urge to leave, I stayed with him.

On the way back to the parking lot, we talked about a few things. Turns out he’s a painter. That actually caught me off guard. He didn’t look the type. He said before that it’s all about school now and we have classes from 11:30 to about 5 in addition to a night class he’s taking over at City as well that starts at 6. I wonder how he gets by.

He looks very mature. Probably mid-late 20’s, tan, tall, short dirty blonde hair, right arm tattoo sleeve.

Hm. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess just to keep track of who I’ve met.

Point Loma