Feeling it.

Living Space

Deep thought...

Or constipation?

As Fantasies Clash With Reality

I think when something you moderately enjoy becomes a requirement, it sort of loses its initial flare. Sure the concerts were fun to go to. I felt like I was experiencing something worth while. But now that I have to sign in and complete a packet of concert reviews for a grade makes it seem a bit too stifling. I don’t know maybe I’m just lazy.

Anyway, so when I was there, I sat at the first seat I came across despite the room being almost empty. As it slowly filled up with people, I looked up from my book and noticed a guy who sat in front of me. He wore a fitted white shirt with blue trim around the collar and sleeves, wrinkles everywhere as if it had been compressed for days. As the show continued, I found myself more captivated by him rather than the music. Or should I say, the music added a forlorn quality to the situation that was probably atypical of its intentions.

I loved the shape his hair made. The shaggy imperfection that made it interesting to look at, the impression of moisture as if it had just recently been cut. Above his left ear were a few strands of hair that were longer than the rest that maybe slipped by unnoticed told of a length once traveled. As he sat there, I noticed his wrists where fairly thin compared to the hand that kept his head afloat. I traced his arm back to his back and took notice of the hint of hair that coated his pale skin. It was equally thin yet his body seemed pretty substantial. Skinny without being third-world. Definitely enough to fit a medium sized shirt.

Gradually he would slouch, then prostrated himself back up by placing both hands on either side and correcting his posture, only to hunch over so that his hand could rest on his chin. With his left hand he would trace his brow, then move over to his mouth before finding a place on his cheek. He repeated this in various orders as his right hand propped it up or clutched his side between his chest and his arm. Almost instantaneously I could feel myself sliding my hands across his arms. I wondered what his hands would feel like cupping my face. I could feel his stubble against my lips. His arms around my body. Us lying together, lost in a sea of blankets.

I tried to include my appearance into the thought and suddenly it dissolved. Somehow the thought of me with anyone seemed out of place. Like I didn’t possess some kind of inherent quality that people have to be apart of something. You can tell when there’s a connection between two people. I just couldn’t fathom one of those people being me.

Photo Books and Disconnections

So it’s been 3 days since I’ve last heard from Melancholy. I must say that it has taken me very little time to get over that whole episode. Of course there are a few moments when I feel like I want to cry but something is holding me back. I just wonder how it’s going to be with the next guy, if there is another guy at all. This just makes me more aware of all my insecurities and the ineptitude of maintaining a relationship that I don’t know how to overcome.

I was sitting in my room for awhile prolonging going out to shoot photos. When I got ready I stood in the living room for a bit and started to get anxious. I was afraid that someone would see me shooting and react in some kind of negative way like I’d either have to fight for my life or they would criticize me. I suddenly felt a strong urge to simply become invisible. That I would be much more comfortable if I could do what I wanted to do without the fear of getting caught or criticized. It’s just this internalized fear that I’m going to get in trouble that has me immobilized, and all I wanted to do was shoot dry grass.

I was flipping through a photo book I bought this morning. It’s called Texas Twins by Howard Roffman. His photography strikes me as very typical gay photography. It takes quite a bit to spark my interest in terms of photos but it was mainly the subject matter that drew me into this book. The brothers Morgan and Nash are identical but according to the description, their personalities are anything but. And surprisingly enough, one is gay and the other is straight. When I bought the book, in the gay capital of the city no less, the cashier guy (a portly man with glasses and a red button down) quickly glanced at the cover and remarked, “Now that’s just disgusting.” I was initially surprised. It struck me as odd that he would say something like that about an item that a customer was buying, especially considering the neighborhood. “I’m just very interested in the fact that one is gay and one is straight.” I simply replied. “Oh. I didn’t know that.” He said with a hint of remorse.

It didn’t really bother me to think that by my buying something he perceived as “disgusting” would make me disgusting as well. It actually increased my pride in a way to think that I had the ability to appreciate something that he had absolutely no idea about. Something he quickly labeled at face value and made a definitive judgment before I informed him that no, they don’t do anything sexual to each other. I mean honestly, how old are you? It definitely angered my friend who was with me, but I couldn’t care less.

As I was flipping through the pages, I was listening to Balmorhea’s Baleen Morning. Part of the charm about this book is trying to decipher who was who. Nash is straight, Morgan is gay. Nash is the impetuous rebel and Morgan is grounded and eager to please. You almost feel as if you get to know these two guys personally with each page. About halfway through I felt a wave of sorrow come over me. I don’t know if it was the music, or if it was the image of the two brothers together but I suddenly wanted to cry. The strength of their relationship had just occurred to me and the thought that they would always have each other even if their entire world fell apart was gut wrenching. The fact that one brother knew the other was gay and was fine with it was incredible. And somehow, the thought of me sitting alone locked in my room out of fear that someone would by chance walk in and catch me looking at a suggestive [male] photo book seemed utterly depressing to me.

Movies and Arguments

I got back from watching Jumper with Wii awhile ago. I personally thought it was awesome. I thought the girl who played the older Millie should have been recasted. Young Millie looked like a sweet girl-next-door type and the older one looked like a whore. Not saying she was ugly or anything, but she was far from girl-next-door. I also thought that the ending was really awkward. It just seemed like it was an afterthought, and maybe a prelude to a sequel.

I totally forgot Jamie Bell was going to be in it. I was totally psyched when I saw his name in the opening credits. I’ve loved him ever since Billy Elliot. He was pretty much the highlight of the movie for me. His fighting tactics were truly epic and entertaining.

After the movie was over, Wii started to get all analytical. I don’t know if it was because he was bashing something I liked that got me so riled up, or maybe it was the fact that I was sort of in charge of this whole outing and he was giving me shit because he didn’t seem to thrilled with the movie but I drove to his house as fast as I could to drop him off. I just wanted to get away from him as quick as possible. On the way home I considered seriously cutting him off. I mean we don’t talk to each other much anyway so it’s not like it would be such a big deal or anything but this I guess, disappointment is very different from all the other times I was upset with him.

Before it was all self inflicted pain that caused me to dislike him. This is the first time that he’s actually done something to upset me. This actually killed whatever feelings I had left for him. I don’t know if I’m just overacting because he disagreed with me, or if I’m upset because he was making me feel like a jerk for having suggested an “entertaining but sub-par movie.”

He just kept nitpicking all these miniscule details and I just wanted him to shut up and talk about something else. Ugh. I don’t know how to deal with things. I know that I’m probably going to feel like a jerk for possibly blowing this out of proportion but right now I’m just tired of feeling like a failure.

Responsibilities and Networking.

Sometimes I feel a certain irresponsibility about myself. Certain things that I should be concerned about that I’m not. This past Monday I decided to skip my morning class since I stayed up late the night before. My dad had been making inquiries as to when I should go visit my great grandmother who has recently found residence at the hospital for some reasons I’m not yet clear with (I didn’t feel the need to ask). So when I was utilizing my free time that morning until my photography class at 3, he came into my room saying that we should go see her before she dies implying that it would be soon.

When we got there I felt a bit uneasy. Not really because I was going to visit someone on their immanent death bed but that I was surrounded by old and dying people. The air within the interior was heavy and thick very much unlike my experiences at other hospitals where the air conditioner was constantly turned on. When we got to her room, some of my other relatives were there already. I just stood by the dresser as far off as I could without seeming too cold or too eager. I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility towards her which does seem sad I admit, but it’s on the same level with the rest of my family. I don’t feel much sense of responsibility towards any of them. Just a few days ago my dad mentioned “Why do you act like a big brother towards Josh [my younger brother]?” My initial thought was Why? No one acted that way towards me.

Truth is that I’m afraid to make the first move. I’m afraid to do anything. I was out with an acquaintance Christina when she went to go get her eyebrows done. While she was in the back room her sister Mary needed the keys to the car and asked me to get them. We were standing there at the closed door which housed a do not disturb sign on the doorknob and I froze. I started to panic. I don’t like being put in a situation where I have to accept responsibility for my actions because I’m scared of feeling inadequate. It’s one thing to feel like I’m not worth it, but it’s another thing to hear from someone else that “Yea, you fucked up.” I did it anyways and I didn’t get yelled at or anything, but the fact remains that my initial reaction towards the situation was fear.

I know what made me that way, and as much as I want to blame him for it, what’s done is done. It’s pretty much up to me to say you know what, I don’t like being this way. But the thing about accepting that level of responsibility for oneself is the accepting the possibility that you may fail, and that terrifies me.

On another note, I left my contact info with the local gay club at my campus. I noticed two rainbow flags and figured why the hell not. Of course, it took me passing the table 3 times before I could even do anything, and the only reason why I got the nerve to do it was cause they were busy talking to another guy and I just stood there. Before I was very hesitant about joining one because I didn’t want to be associated with those kinds of people. I had it in my head that if I were to be apart of that sector of society that people would start to expect me to harbor all the stereotypes that come with it. But I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, or at least with that facet of my personality. That and the idea that maybe I’ll expand my network and maybe even meet someone of dating potential. Who knows? [Actually, the guys plus one girl at the booth weren’t that much to look at. But hey, that’s probably a good thing. The last thing I need is another unrequited love. And maybe one of them will surprise me.] And if I don’t like it, I can just get the hell out. No harm done. Because right now, I know of no gay people I could simply talk to or hang out with. All the ones I know are online and several miles/states away. And I’m tired of typing to a screen.

By the way, regarding that image in my previous post. That was for a Devil May Cry 4 contest up on gaygamer.net. And I won, along with 4 other people. Hooray for me. Finally a game for my ps3 entertainment center + games also console.

Contest Submission

Another Missed Chance to Lament About.

I had a dream involving Wii this morning. I don’t really recall what it was about exactly, just that I was staring at him like I normally would taking in things like how the light played with his hands or the glimmer in his eyes. A few minutes after I got up and ready to go out, I get an IM from him. This was a surprise because talking to him was so rare.

“Hey,” he said to me.

“Hey stranger”

“You know I only IM you when I need favors =P.”

Apparently his car was giving him grief like it usually does and he needed a ride after he dropped it off at the shop. I told him I would meet him there, happy to help. I kept thinking about the way our friendship works. I started to feel like I was being used yet despite that feeling, I feel compelled to be there for him whenever it calls on me. Maybe there is still some latent emotional stronghold he has over me. Maybe I’m just looking for acceptance and approval. Not to say that I didn’t want to go out of my way, I had no problem with it but I couldn’t help wondering why I was going out of my way.

I brought my camera along just in case I would get an opportunity. I wouldn’t want a repeat of what happened at Mitsuwa. I sat outside for about 20 minutes until he pulled in. He carried with him a nauseating scent of gasoline and I opened a window as we drove over to El Zarappe for some Mexican food. There was probably a faster way than taking University all the way from La Mesa to University Heights, but I wanted to prolong the time we had together what with this being such an infrequent occurrence.

We talked about the usual things, or rather, he talked and I listened. We talked a bit about school, what we’ve been doing [nothing]. He’s been preoccupied with Monster Hunter and he showed me a bit of that while we waited for our food. Then a strange thing happened. This guy came up to me and pointed at my camera. I noticed him looking at our direction for a bit but paid him no mind. He asked what kind of lens was on it and I handed it over for him to take a look at it. We talked about the prime 1.8 50mm lens versus the 1.4 for a bit before he motioned to leave. As he was walking away, I realized that I did it again. “Damn it, that was another chance wasn’t it?” I said to Wii. “Yea man.”

When I caught him in my peripheral I could sort of tell if he was interested but I don’t like to make assumptions about people. When he was talking to me, there was something in his eyes that hinted that he maybe but nothing else was out of the ordinary. I started hitting myself with the what ifs and what could be if I’d only have the nerve to act on it. But would it have been weird to have this two or three minute conversation about lenses and say, “Hey, could I get your number?” I just found solace in the fact that nothing was going to come out from it so I shouldn’t bother. It would save him the trouble of having to deal with this dependant shut it and me the trouble of having to impose that on him.

If it weren’t for people like him, I would probably never speak to anyone.

Perpetually behind the camera

Already huh? It’s like I can’t even get through a day, much less a week without falling for someone new. Someone who is constantly ignorant of the adoration I harbor for them. Then when all is said and done I’m left trying to validate my feelings in an attempt to portray them as sincere. By the end of it I’m spent. I have no more energy to proclaim my fascination towards someone else. I’m too upset and angry with myself with the way things are that I essentially lose sight of all the progress I’ve made thus far.

However I don’t think one can call it progress. It’s only the third day since I’ve been back on campus grounds and prior to that was winter vacation. So for a few weeks I had a break from the world. I had nothing tempting my attention other than TV or books. Now surrounded by these strangers I am reminded of how distant I’ve become, how sad and lonely all this must seem to the average person. Course there was a time when I believed that hey, this is just me. This is the way I am. I should just get used to it. For awhile it sat well with me. I didn’t feel the pangs of distress from not having a reason to come out from my room or not having someone decent to talk to. I even make a woeful lament about how I wish I could just stay in this room and read forever. But surrounded by the one thing you lack most in life on a day to day basis allows you some time to think, to reevaluate your position in life and your stance on the matter.

When I walked into Mitsuwa, there was this guy sitting at the barstool. From the window I kept a steady gaze on him as his attention was directed downward towards a book of some sort. After purchasing a magazine, I positioned myself behind him so I could take it all it. The sight of him excited me. There were so many possibilities to ponder. All of which contained in an imaginary world consisting of only him and I. How perfect would it be to say that I know someone like him? He wore some kind of synthetic purple jacket with a hood. Dark blue Levi pants and black converse shoes that hugged his feet so tight it was almost as if they were another pair of socks. Of course all of this took backseat to the defining factor that captivated me: His glasses. His shaggy hair was nicely trimmed yet still maintained that just-woke-up impression.

I sighed as I started snapping a few shots of his profile on my camera phone. Why didn’t I bring my good camera? But even if I did, who’s to say I would actually get the nerve to use it? My elation faded as I realized none of the fantasies I had in my head would come to pass. We would remain in our own individual worlds separated by my ineptitude. As I got up and threw away the remnants of my lunch, I walked slowly for a while. Maybe he had his eye on my back. Could he have been interested? And if he was, what would I do about it?

Absolutely nothing I reminded myself. So I picked up the pace, got in my car and left. What’s the use obsessing over these trite situations if they all have similar conclusions? Why bother getting myself into them anyway? Something has to kill this need for companionship. Something has to diminish this hope.

Self

Who to tell...

My sister invited me out. It was Joby’s birthday and they were having a thing over at Dave and Busters, an arcade/bar/restaurant set up. It was pretty uncomfortable for awhile. Though as soon as my sister left and I was left alone, this girl Melissa came over and started talking to me. We started talking about a lot of things. Typical things like school and our living arrangements. Then we started talking about relationships and I just threw out the “Oh my ex, well he…” She ended up leaving ahead of us but said that we should exchange numbers. Which we did but I don’t have any intentions of calling her though the only motivation would be that she mentioned that she had friends who I would probably love to meet. Guy friends maybe. Who knows?

When we were over at my sister’s boyfriend’s house, she got up to change out of her dress and he and I were talking about gay couples and the whole dynamics (“Two masculine men? I’ve never seen one of those couples.”). I wanted to chime in and talk about my own personal experience but hesitated. I was so close in outing myself to him but my sister walked back in. But I said forget it. If I were to tell him, I’m sure it would somehow get back to my sister. And while it would be easier to go down the whole fuck what you think route I just don’t want her or my family in on it. Initially it was out of fear, but now it’s more of privacy. It’s my business and I don’t feel like they need to be in on it.

Reevaluation of my relationships.

In short: I don’t think I’m capable of having any sort of relationship.

For starters, I have practically no interest in pursuing a relationship with anyone if I’m not in the least bit attracted to them or if there’s no possibility of us being together intimately. Therefore, I have had absolutely no interest in being friends with women yet sadly, those are the ones I can relate to on some emotional level. The only person I truly consider to be a friend is a straight guy who I believe to remain his friend simply because I still have feelings for him from time to time.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now and yesterday it sort of provoked me to put it down into words. A [female] friend from out of town called me to say that she was in town for awhile. I knew what she was hinting to. But then I’d be considered a jerk if I said I didn’t feel like seeing her before she left. It was nothing against her personally, it’s just that recently I don’t have it in me to socialize. I went out for drinks with a certain group of friends and this girl in particular I noticed kept staring at me during a meal at a late night restaurant. I brought this up with Wii implying that she may have had some sort of attraction to me but he quickly dismissed the notion and suggested that she merely wanted someone else to talk to.

“But I figured she had Sherry to talk to.” I said. “No, Sherry was listening to Shawn and I talk, so she probably was bored and just wanted someone to talk to.”

For awhile now I have held steadfast to the belief that I do not have to entertain people if I don’t feel like it, regardless of how it makes me look. I always thought it was because I didn’t have anything of importance to say, yet if that were the case then I wouldn’t have anything to type up. I think it’s because socializing isn’t one of my strong points, therefore, I don’t do it. When people talk to me, I sort of blank out and feel pressured to say something and usually just end up saying something trite or nothing at all. That or I will come up with something to say later but by then the subject has been dropped and I’m already on my way home.

Anyway, so I did decide to go meet her and we talked about things. It wasn’t as bad as I had played it out in my mind. But when Wii came, for some reason I just shut down. This always happens to me whenever I’m around him in large groups. It’s like I don’t want him to see how I am around other people. I just become so self-conscious of myself that I don’t say anything. I can’t bring myself to look at him and ultimately I end up feeling like shit after all is said and done. We finally called it quits after watching a bit of TV in silence.

As we were getting ready to leave, I gave Mimi, the out of town friend, a hug and quickly passed by Wii. He said “Later” and I mumbled an inaudible reply as I rushed back to my car. As I was stepping into my car I noticed that his was parked a few feet in front of mine and as he passed me, he said another farewell line and I quickly muttered a short “uh huh” and closed the door and sped off as he was unlocking his door.

Now, by our history I’m sure he’ll get out of this unscathed. He’ll probably treat me the same as always but I won’t hear from him for awhile until some sort of event happens and for some reason he decides to call me. Because I’ll never call him. I never invite him to anything. I never take it upon myself to suggest anything. Why? Because I have feelings for him. If I were to put myself in a position of vulnerability and we were merely platonic friends, then there were be no problem. But that’s not the case and if I were to feel like I’ve overstepped the boundaries of the gay/straight male friendship we have I’d feel terrible. So I don’t do anything out of fear that I may tarnish whatever perception he has of me.

So because of that fear, I don’t have anything to show for this friendship I wish so desperately to actualize. And because of these feelings I have for him I can’t be around him without feeling like a complete idiot because I’m the fool who still harbors feelings for a straight guy.