I'm Such a Coward.

I was starting to feel safe after having ran into him a few times already. I was browsing another forum created by a user for users to post their dirty pictures. I came across one guy who had a nice face. So I tracked him on the main board and found his myspace. An Ohio resident. But not near where he lived so I figured it was ok. Then in his top friends I saw a familiar face staring back at me. I immediately deleted the pictures I posted on that site.

Then I saw him again while randomly browsing the Gaygamer Last.fm page. I noticed a user name in the activity list that looked familiar so I clicked on it. And right underneath it was his name. I left the group and deleted the history saying I did so that way if he were to check back, he wouldn’t see that I had left.

This made me wonder if he was registered at the GG forum. He was, but he hadn’t checked my profile. And I hadn’t run into any of his post so it was ok to stay. I wanted to.

Then 2 or 3 days ago I ran into a picture of himself that he posted. I felt that familiar sensation again. It became harder to breathe. My body got colder. I was frantic. I impulsively deleted all my photos, my avatar, and my signature. All the information in my profile. I remember seeing an option to delete your profile entirely but after searching desperately for it, I gave up and contacted the administrators to delete my account. I checked back today and it was finally gone. My posts were still there though. At least this way he won’t be able to track my posts without a bit of effort.

It seems silly to me that I would put forth all this effort to run away from him when it could be that I haven’t even registered in his mind since I stopped talking to him. It’s been over 2 years and I’ve thought about him probably every day since.

I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this.

What sucks is that sometimes I’ll go back to the forums automatically without even thinking.

She Sleeps.

Old stuff. No date.

To my glasses, I miss you already.

So I haven’t really been posting much in the way of the work out process. Honestly I haven’t really been doing much on the diet side. I’ve just been doing a bit a exercise here and there but I’ve been eating practically whatever I wanted. That means a lot of chocolate by way of brownies and cookies. But they’re all gone now, so as long as someone doesn’t bring any new temptations home, I’ll most likely refrain from eating any more of those.

There’s a new guy in my ballet class today. He looks like he’s Filipino and his name is Nick. I’m not really that interested in him but it’s nice to have another guy in the class. I can’t really tell if he’s gay or not. The other guy Fernando is a Japanese guy. Very skinny and very flexible. With Asian men you can’t really tell if they’re gay or not. Especially the Koreans and the Japanese. They’re so far beyond metrosexuality that it’s immensely frustrating. But lucky for me I’m not that into the Asians these days. Not as much as I used to be anyway.

I got a new Saris car rack for my bike over the weekend (it's way better than the Bell rack i b so I’ve been taking that to school. It still takes 10 minutes or so to get to class and I’m not even working my legs out that much but it’s better than hitting the ground every step. Sometimes I’ll glance in the rearview mirror and stare at the frame swaying in the wind. With the new sturdy car rack, I am free to obsess about other things like what if people think I’m a cheater because I’m driving my bike to school. Never mind the fact that it takes 15 minutes by car to travel that distance but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable lugging around this weight on the back of my car only to use it for 20 minutes or so. I feel like I’m violating some unwritten Biker’s Code of Honor saying that I have to commit to using my bike. I’m still not comfortable knowing that my Vote No on 8 bumper sticker is still on my bumper even though it has been there since October. I get to thinking that people will see it and think, what the hell man?! You lost your war take off the damn sticker. It’s what I think when I see the Mccain-Palin stickers. Actually the only thoughts in my head are of relief that they didn’t win mixed in with a hint of superiority.

I went to buy a bento box. It’s sort of similar to this but just navy blue with a strip of argyle over the chopstick lid. The cashier commented on my necklace saying that it looked like a cello bridge. Turns out she plays cello too and she’s in a band. She invited me to come see their show tonight. Unfortunately I still have class tonight but I’d probably feel worse if their music didn’t grate my ears. I’m sorry Amanda, but I’m just not into that genre of music.

Also, I lost my Burberry glasses Sunday morning. I went to BarWest in P.B. and took them off because I was nervous. I can’t be nervous around people I can’t see. By the end of the night however I got to my car minus my glasses. It was devastating.

Drew this at the restaurant:

Mikey.

I saw a familiar face. It was Mikey on GG this time. I haven't seen him since we last spoke. All of a sudden he got really distant. He privatized his myspace and closed his GG account. It was like going through another break up. So to see him there again with a new acount, posting his pictures and reciving compliments, in all honesty is kind of painful. I know how selfish that is but I can't help but harbor feelings. Despite my resolve to burn bridges, to alienate myself from people, to despise the social network, I can't help but desire the opposite. I actively reject what I want because I'm afraid I can't have it. Or rather yet I'm afraid that I will have it then lose it. Amidst that fear I make my strides and reach out, form connections, but they never really fade. I still have all the stuff we used to send to each other. I have his pictures in my phone. For what purpose I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that I was happy at some point. Or that he is no longer apart of my life. If that's the case, why does he still affect me so?

New Semester, New Chair.

So first day of classes was a semi-failure. I couldn’t get into my math class that I tried to crash but was still waitlisted for. I wanted to cry.

On the way to class I saw a computer chair by some trashcans. I need a new computer chair but I wanted to wait and see if someone was going to move it. Then some guy on a motorcycle crashed into the curb. He seemed like he was ok, just a little winded so I kept going. So after I was rejected, I walked back and saw the ambulance there talking to some people. The chair was still there so I drove my car over and started to stuff it in my car. It seemed like it was in good condition. I did notice some stains and some weird white stuff on the bottom but whatever. I was determined.

Psych class began after I killed some time shopping and running around looking for some aluminum cleaner that I never found. It was really hard to keep focused and awake. It was amazing how many times I had to keep reminding myself not to fall for every guy I see. Just keep your head down and to hell with them. I will not be swayed by your face.

But it looks like it’s going to be an interesting class. I did however spend all my book money on my bike. I completed it by buying a U-lock so I can finally take it out with me and feel safe that it’s not going to get stolen.

So I got the chair out and started working on it immediately. I didn’t want to leave it outside and I didn’t want to leave it in being as dirty as it was. That’s when I noticed that there was a streak in the middle. More resembling of a skid mark. Apparently someone shat in my new chair. The previous owner must have been a nudist because it seemed like someone deliberately rubbed their ass into the material. But that didn’t deter me, I was determined to have a new and better chair. Even if the mental image of an old naked incontinent is permanently etched into my head. But I figure hey, if this was my pet, or a baby that took a dump in my chair, I wouldn’t throw it out.

So I kept cleaning after I researched a bit of methods. After another two more hours of work I managed to get the stains out and the smell. So now we play the waiting game. When it dries I’m going to steam it, disinfect it, then steam it again just to make sure I covered all my bases. When I squeezed the towel I used to soak up all the moisture and dirt, it completely filled the sink with a dark and murky fluid. And while I’m sure I cleaned to the best of my abilities, I just pray that I don’t contract some form of hepatitis or a band of insects spring forth from some nest they decided to make in one of the nooks.

DDR Gym 3

Saturday morning I did 342.357kcal @ 30 minutes.

I didn't get to work out later that night cause I spent the entire evening fixing up my bike with Sean. But I bet that worked out some caloric reserves even though it was super cold.

Evelyn and Alex came over to watch the first Underworld as we had just got finished watching Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (It was ok). When she opened the case that Alex brought over there were roaches inside. Now, I'm a big fan of How Clean Is Your House and while I'm not saint myself when it comes to cleaning, I definitely don't have roaches hiding in my DVD boxes. I would always watch that show and wonder who in the world would live like that. But then I went into their house, and it was just, incredible. I wouldn't want to even piss in the toilet. We watched a movie there once and I had to flick roaches off of me the entire time. Plus there's like, a pile of cat shit and kitty litter in the corner of the hallway that no one cleans up so when we hang out, they both smell like cat shit.

I mean, those people are cool but jeez. When feces and insects get involved, there's health problems just waiting to happen.

I'm going to go over to Sean's house later to work on the bike some more. I'll post photos of those later. Maybe.

DDR Gym 2

Sorta fell off the posting wagon.

Wednesday:

Forgot how many calories I logged in but worked it for 30 minutes.

Today:

348.401kcal @ 30 minutes.

In other news I bought my first thong. I liked the Calvin Klein Steel series so I went ahead and finished the collection off with the thong. It's feels like I have a wedgie that I'm not supposed to pick. Ass floss I said I'd never wear.

Time Out.

I sent London Greg a message on Facebook. I don’t know why. I really liked talking to him. He seemed to be interested in me as well but his relationship status said that he was seeing something. We never really talked about that. So I can’t be upset that he hasn’t replied to my e-mail.

Last night I got a call from Wii. I’ve been avoiding him out of habit. When it’s just us I’m ok, but when we’re around other people I get really quiet and withdrawn. I don’t know why. So he kept telling me about work as usual. That some inebriated girl asked him out while he was taking her order. He contemplated asking her out, whether or not she’d remember giving him her number, if she’d reject him on the spot. I told him to go for it even though I can’t seem to follow my own advice. He wanted to hang out this weekend because he’s off work. Probably to some straight bar/club/whatever. Those don’t work out too well for me but apparently he has some vendetta against the homo establishments.

Meh. What can you do?

I decided to take a hiatus on the whole work out thing today. When I walk barefoot around the house I get these stabs of pain if I step on something that’s not leveled. I guess that’s what I get trying to get back into it on full blast. But the same goes for other aspects of my life.

Operaton: Radmage.

Watercolor, Inks

5" x 4"

DDR Gym.

So I decided to dust off the old pad and start stepping on arrows again. I wanted to do something for myself and jump on the whole New Years resolution weight loss bandwagon. I know it probably doesn't look like I need to lose weight but meh, I want to. Or at least tone up the mid-section. And I'm rarely active at all so any exercise is good exercise.

Method of choice is my dusty and scratched Dance Dance Revolution: Super Nova routine. Holy shit my legs hurt. I started yesterday and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I could feel all the loose skin and fatty reserves flopping up and down. By the end of it I was swimming in my own liquid and my legs wanted to give out but I felt good. There something about the sheen on my skin that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

Of course along with this I want to eat more vegetables. Being a pescatarian you would think that I would eat my fill of the lot, but sadly the past few months fries, eggs, and pasta have been my main source of sustenance. I just wish I could find a way to make them more delicious. Or you know, income to buy more delicious.

So here's to you slight stomach pudge. May I never feel you hanging over my low rise jeans again.

Yesterday: 354.09Kcal @ 50 minutes.

Today: 239.258kcal @ 30 minutes

How Long Can I Run Away?

It’s been 2 years and 8 months since I last heard from him yet he’s always in the back of my mind. A dormant parasite that eats away at my consciousness. It amazes me how frightened I become when I find traces of him on the net.

I was browsing this forum and saw a guy who looked interesting. Followed him to his myspace and there in his top friends list is that face staring back at me. I could feel my throat tighten. My nerves starting to dim. But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to invaded what was once familiar territory. New faces, new situations. He looked the same. He was employed. I took these little snippets and ran. I took down my photos off that site in fear that he would see them. Part of me wanting him to, but a larger part wanting to remain a mystery. I want to disappear from his life because it’s simply easier than wanting to be in it knowing that I can’t.

Today I was jumping around last.fm when I went to the Gaygamer.net community page of which I am a member of. I glanced over the comments: 1 made in the last few days, the remaining, months ago. That’s when I noticed a user name that struck a chord with me in the recently visited section. I clicked on it and there underneath his user name was his name. I felt the impact similar to getting punched in the stomach. I left the group in the hope that he wouldn’t find me there though he would see the group activity with my name on it saying I had left.

I wonder how long I can keep running away.

Sometimes I'm disgusted at how small the gay community is, even on the national level.