AI 5th quarter

I hit a rough patch today and in a culmination of events I felt like a foreign specimen at a school I've been going to for a year.

I haven't made any friends, just people I see regularly and say hi to, but nothing further. And I was ok with that. As long as I was getting my stuff done I was fine. While I was in class today I got a phone call saying that the audio recorder I borrowed was late.

"OK, so how much is that going to cost me?"

"10$ an hour."

All I could mutter was shit. It had been 4 hours. So I returned it and tried in vain to dispute it. The girl there just filled out my paper work without saying a word other than, "That's it" when it was over. I was really irritated by how disinterested she always acts and this was just the event that tipped me over the edge.

Later when I went to return the headphones that I had borrowed, the guy who is in my stop motion class was there. I handed him the headphones, he didn't say anything, he didn't look at me. I said, "Thanks," when he handed me my ID and he didn't say anything. He didn't even acknowledge me. He just sat back down and stared at his computer.

Up till now I've been ok with this school despite the many things I could find wrong with it, but this makes me really feel like I don't belong there.

I'm Such a Coward.

I was starting to feel safe after having ran into him a few times already. I was browsing another forum created by a user for users to post their dirty pictures. I came across one guy who had a nice face. So I tracked him on the main board and found his myspace. An Ohio resident. But not near where he lived so I figured it was ok. Then in his top friends I saw a familiar face staring back at me. I immediately deleted the pictures I posted on that site.

Then I saw him again while randomly browsing the Gaygamer Last.fm page. I noticed a user name in the activity list that looked familiar so I clicked on it. And right underneath it was his name. I left the group and deleted the history saying I did so that way if he were to check back, he wouldn’t see that I had left.

This made me wonder if he was registered at the GG forum. He was, but he hadn’t checked my profile. And I hadn’t run into any of his post so it was ok to stay. I wanted to.

Then 2 or 3 days ago I ran into a picture of himself that he posted. I felt that familiar sensation again. It became harder to breathe. My body got colder. I was frantic. I impulsively deleted all my photos, my avatar, and my signature. All the information in my profile. I remember seeing an option to delete your profile entirely but after searching desperately for it, I gave up and contacted the administrators to delete my account. I checked back today and it was finally gone. My posts were still there though. At least this way he won’t be able to track my posts without a bit of effort.

It seems silly to me that I would put forth all this effort to run away from him when it could be that I haven’t even registered in his mind since I stopped talking to him. It’s been over 2 years and I’ve thought about him probably every day since.

I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this.

What sucks is that sometimes I’ll go back to the forums automatically without even thinking.

She Sleeps.

Old stuff. No date.

To my glasses, I miss you already.

So I haven’t really been posting much in the way of the work out process. Honestly I haven’t really been doing much on the diet side. I’ve just been doing a bit a exercise here and there but I’ve been eating practically whatever I wanted. That means a lot of chocolate by way of brownies and cookies. But they’re all gone now, so as long as someone doesn’t bring any new temptations home, I’ll most likely refrain from eating any more of those.

There’s a new guy in my ballet class today. He looks like he’s Filipino and his name is Nick. I’m not really that interested in him but it’s nice to have another guy in the class. I can’t really tell if he’s gay or not. The other guy Fernando is a Japanese guy. Very skinny and very flexible. With Asian men you can’t really tell if they’re gay or not. Especially the Koreans and the Japanese. They’re so far beyond metrosexuality that it’s immensely frustrating. But lucky for me I’m not that into the Asians these days. Not as much as I used to be anyway.

I got a new Saris car rack for my bike over the weekend (it's way better than the Bell rack i b so I’ve been taking that to school. It still takes 10 minutes or so to get to class and I’m not even working my legs out that much but it’s better than hitting the ground every step. Sometimes I’ll glance in the rearview mirror and stare at the frame swaying in the wind. With the new sturdy car rack, I am free to obsess about other things like what if people think I’m a cheater because I’m driving my bike to school. Never mind the fact that it takes 15 minutes by car to travel that distance but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable lugging around this weight on the back of my car only to use it for 20 minutes or so. I feel like I’m violating some unwritten Biker’s Code of Honor saying that I have to commit to using my bike. I’m still not comfortable knowing that my Vote No on 8 bumper sticker is still on my bumper even though it has been there since October. I get to thinking that people will see it and think, what the hell man?! You lost your war take off the damn sticker. It’s what I think when I see the Mccain-Palin stickers. Actually the only thoughts in my head are of relief that they didn’t win mixed in with a hint of superiority.

I went to buy a bento box. It’s sort of similar to this but just navy blue with a strip of argyle over the chopstick lid. The cashier commented on my necklace saying that it looked like a cello bridge. Turns out she plays cello too and she’s in a band. She invited me to come see their show tonight. Unfortunately I still have class tonight but I’d probably feel worse if their music didn’t grate my ears. I’m sorry Amanda, but I’m just not into that genre of music.

Also, I lost my Burberry glasses Sunday morning. I went to BarWest in P.B. and took them off because I was nervous. I can’t be nervous around people I can’t see. By the end of the night however I got to my car minus my glasses. It was devastating.

Drew this at the restaurant:

Mikey.

I saw a familiar face. It was Mikey on GG this time. I haven't seen him since we last spoke. All of a sudden he got really distant. He privatized his myspace and closed his GG account. It was like going through another break up. So to see him there again with a new acount, posting his pictures and reciving compliments, in all honesty is kind of painful. I know how selfish that is but I can't help but harbor feelings. Despite my resolve to burn bridges, to alienate myself from people, to despise the social network, I can't help but desire the opposite. I actively reject what I want because I'm afraid I can't have it. Or rather yet I'm afraid that I will have it then lose it. Amidst that fear I make my strides and reach out, form connections, but they never really fade. I still have all the stuff we used to send to each other. I have his pictures in my phone. For what purpose I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that I was happy at some point. Or that he is no longer apart of my life. If that's the case, why does he still affect me so?

New Semester, New Chair.

So first day of classes was a semi-failure. I couldn’t get into my math class that I tried to crash but was still waitlisted for. I wanted to cry.

On the way to class I saw a computer chair by some trashcans. I need a new computer chair but I wanted to wait and see if someone was going to move it. Then some guy on a motorcycle crashed into the curb. He seemed like he was ok, just a little winded so I kept going. So after I was rejected, I walked back and saw the ambulance there talking to some people. The chair was still there so I drove my car over and started to stuff it in my car. It seemed like it was in good condition. I did notice some stains and some weird white stuff on the bottom but whatever. I was determined.

Psych class began after I killed some time shopping and running around looking for some aluminum cleaner that I never found. It was really hard to keep focused and awake. It was amazing how many times I had to keep reminding myself not to fall for every guy I see. Just keep your head down and to hell with them. I will not be swayed by your face.

But it looks like it’s going to be an interesting class. I did however spend all my book money on my bike. I completed it by buying a U-lock so I can finally take it out with me and feel safe that it’s not going to get stolen.

So I got the chair out and started working on it immediately. I didn’t want to leave it outside and I didn’t want to leave it in being as dirty as it was. That’s when I noticed that there was a streak in the middle. More resembling of a skid mark. Apparently someone shat in my new chair. The previous owner must have been a nudist because it seemed like someone deliberately rubbed their ass into the material. But that didn’t deter me, I was determined to have a new and better chair. Even if the mental image of an old naked incontinent is permanently etched into my head. But I figure hey, if this was my pet, or a baby that took a dump in my chair, I wouldn’t throw it out.

So I kept cleaning after I researched a bit of methods. After another two more hours of work I managed to get the stains out and the smell. So now we play the waiting game. When it dries I’m going to steam it, disinfect it, then steam it again just to make sure I covered all my bases. When I squeezed the towel I used to soak up all the moisture and dirt, it completely filled the sink with a dark and murky fluid. And while I’m sure I cleaned to the best of my abilities, I just pray that I don’t contract some form of hepatitis or a band of insects spring forth from some nest they decided to make in one of the nooks.

DDR Gym 3

Saturday morning I did 342.357kcal @ 30 minutes.

I didn't get to work out later that night cause I spent the entire evening fixing up my bike with Sean. But I bet that worked out some caloric reserves even though it was super cold.

Evelyn and Alex came over to watch the first Underworld as we had just got finished watching Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (It was ok). When she opened the case that Alex brought over there were roaches inside. Now, I'm a big fan of How Clean Is Your House and while I'm not saint myself when it comes to cleaning, I definitely don't have roaches hiding in my DVD boxes. I would always watch that show and wonder who in the world would live like that. But then I went into their house, and it was just, incredible. I wouldn't want to even piss in the toilet. We watched a movie there once and I had to flick roaches off of me the entire time. Plus there's like, a pile of cat shit and kitty litter in the corner of the hallway that no one cleans up so when we hang out, they both smell like cat shit.

I mean, those people are cool but jeez. When feces and insects get involved, there's health problems just waiting to happen.

I'm going to go over to Sean's house later to work on the bike some more. I'll post photos of those later. Maybe.

DDR Gym 2

Sorta fell off the posting wagon.

Wednesday:

Forgot how many calories I logged in but worked it for 30 minutes.

Today:

348.401kcal @ 30 minutes.

In other news I bought my first thong. I liked the Calvin Klein Steel series so I went ahead and finished the collection off with the thong. It's feels like I have a wedgie that I'm not supposed to pick. Ass floss I said I'd never wear.

Time Out.

I sent London Greg a message on Facebook. I don’t know why. I really liked talking to him. He seemed to be interested in me as well but his relationship status said that he was seeing something. We never really talked about that. So I can’t be upset that he hasn’t replied to my e-mail.

Last night I got a call from Wii. I’ve been avoiding him out of habit. When it’s just us I’m ok, but when we’re around other people I get really quiet and withdrawn. I don’t know why. So he kept telling me about work as usual. That some inebriated girl asked him out while he was taking her order. He contemplated asking her out, whether or not she’d remember giving him her number, if she’d reject him on the spot. I told him to go for it even though I can’t seem to follow my own advice. He wanted to hang out this weekend because he’s off work. Probably to some straight bar/club/whatever. Those don’t work out too well for me but apparently he has some vendetta against the homo establishments.

Meh. What can you do?

I decided to take a hiatus on the whole work out thing today. When I walk barefoot around the house I get these stabs of pain if I step on something that’s not leveled. I guess that’s what I get trying to get back into it on full blast. But the same goes for other aspects of my life.

Operaton: Radmage.

Watercolor, Inks

5" x 4"

DDR Gym.

So I decided to dust off the old pad and start stepping on arrows again. I wanted to do something for myself and jump on the whole New Years resolution weight loss bandwagon. I know it probably doesn't look like I need to lose weight but meh, I want to. Or at least tone up the mid-section. And I'm rarely active at all so any exercise is good exercise.

Method of choice is my dusty and scratched Dance Dance Revolution: Super Nova routine. Holy shit my legs hurt. I started yesterday and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I could feel all the loose skin and fatty reserves flopping up and down. By the end of it I was swimming in my own liquid and my legs wanted to give out but I felt good. There something about the sheen on my skin that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

Of course along with this I want to eat more vegetables. Being a pescatarian you would think that I would eat my fill of the lot, but sadly the past few months fries, eggs, and pasta have been my main source of sustenance. I just wish I could find a way to make them more delicious. Or you know, income to buy more delicious.

So here's to you slight stomach pudge. May I never feel you hanging over my low rise jeans again.

Yesterday: 354.09Kcal @ 50 minutes.

Today: 239.258kcal @ 30 minutes

How Long Can I Run Away?

It’s been 2 years and 8 months since I last heard from him yet he’s always in the back of my mind. A dormant parasite that eats away at my consciousness. It amazes me how frightened I become when I find traces of him on the net.

I was browsing this forum and saw a guy who looked interesting. Followed him to his myspace and there in his top friends list is that face staring back at me. I could feel my throat tighten. My nerves starting to dim. But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to invaded what was once familiar territory. New faces, new situations. He looked the same. He was employed. I took these little snippets and ran. I took down my photos off that site in fear that he would see them. Part of me wanting him to, but a larger part wanting to remain a mystery. I want to disappear from his life because it’s simply easier than wanting to be in it knowing that I can’t.

Today I was jumping around last.fm when I went to the Gaygamer.net community page of which I am a member of. I glanced over the comments: 1 made in the last few days, the remaining, months ago. That’s when I noticed a user name that struck a chord with me in the recently visited section. I clicked on it and there underneath his user name was his name. I felt the impact similar to getting punched in the stomach. I left the group in the hope that he wouldn’t find me there though he would see the group activity with my name on it saying I had left.

I wonder how long I can keep running away.

Sometimes I'm disgusted at how small the gay community is, even on the national level.

Feeling it.

Living Space

Deep thought...

Or constipation?

As Fantasies Clash With Reality

I think when something you moderately enjoy becomes a requirement, it sort of loses its initial flare. Sure the concerts were fun to go to. I felt like I was experiencing something worth while. But now that I have to sign in and complete a packet of concert reviews for a grade makes it seem a bit too stifling. I don’t know maybe I’m just lazy.

Anyway, so when I was there, I sat at the first seat I came across despite the room being almost empty. As it slowly filled up with people, I looked up from my book and noticed a guy who sat in front of me. He wore a fitted white shirt with blue trim around the collar and sleeves, wrinkles everywhere as if it had been compressed for days. As the show continued, I found myself more captivated by him rather than the music. Or should I say, the music added a forlorn quality to the situation that was probably atypical of its intentions.

I loved the shape his hair made. The shaggy imperfection that made it interesting to look at, the impression of moisture as if it had just recently been cut. Above his left ear were a few strands of hair that were longer than the rest that maybe slipped by unnoticed told of a length once traveled. As he sat there, I noticed his wrists where fairly thin compared to the hand that kept his head afloat. I traced his arm back to his back and took notice of the hint of hair that coated his pale skin. It was equally thin yet his body seemed pretty substantial. Skinny without being third-world. Definitely enough to fit a medium sized shirt.

Gradually he would slouch, then prostrated himself back up by placing both hands on either side and correcting his posture, only to hunch over so that his hand could rest on his chin. With his left hand he would trace his brow, then move over to his mouth before finding a place on his cheek. He repeated this in various orders as his right hand propped it up or clutched his side between his chest and his arm. Almost instantaneously I could feel myself sliding my hands across his arms. I wondered what his hands would feel like cupping my face. I could feel his stubble against my lips. His arms around my body. Us lying together, lost in a sea of blankets.

I tried to include my appearance into the thought and suddenly it dissolved. Somehow the thought of me with anyone seemed out of place. Like I didn’t possess some kind of inherent quality that people have to be apart of something. You can tell when there’s a connection between two people. I just couldn’t fathom one of those people being me.

Photo Books and Disconnections

So it’s been 3 days since I’ve last heard from Melancholy. I must say that it has taken me very little time to get over that whole episode. Of course there are a few moments when I feel like I want to cry but something is holding me back. I just wonder how it’s going to be with the next guy, if there is another guy at all. This just makes me more aware of all my insecurities and the ineptitude of maintaining a relationship that I don’t know how to overcome.

I was sitting in my room for awhile prolonging going out to shoot photos. When I got ready I stood in the living room for a bit and started to get anxious. I was afraid that someone would see me shooting and react in some kind of negative way like I’d either have to fight for my life or they would criticize me. I suddenly felt a strong urge to simply become invisible. That I would be much more comfortable if I could do what I wanted to do without the fear of getting caught or criticized. It’s just this internalized fear that I’m going to get in trouble that has me immobilized, and all I wanted to do was shoot dry grass.

I was flipping through a photo book I bought this morning. It’s called Texas Twins by Howard Roffman. His photography strikes me as very typical gay photography. It takes quite a bit to spark my interest in terms of photos but it was mainly the subject matter that drew me into this book. The brothers Morgan and Nash are identical but according to the description, their personalities are anything but. And surprisingly enough, one is gay and the other is straight. When I bought the book, in the gay capital of the city no less, the cashier guy (a portly man with glasses and a red button down) quickly glanced at the cover and remarked, “Now that’s just disgusting.” I was initially surprised. It struck me as odd that he would say something like that about an item that a customer was buying, especially considering the neighborhood. “I’m just very interested in the fact that one is gay and one is straight.” I simply replied. “Oh. I didn’t know that.” He said with a hint of remorse.

It didn’t really bother me to think that by my buying something he perceived as “disgusting” would make me disgusting as well. It actually increased my pride in a way to think that I had the ability to appreciate something that he had absolutely no idea about. Something he quickly labeled at face value and made a definitive judgment before I informed him that no, they don’t do anything sexual to each other. I mean honestly, how old are you? It definitely angered my friend who was with me, but I couldn’t care less.

As I was flipping through the pages, I was listening to Balmorhea’s Baleen Morning. Part of the charm about this book is trying to decipher who was who. Nash is straight, Morgan is gay. Nash is the impetuous rebel and Morgan is grounded and eager to please. You almost feel as if you get to know these two guys personally with each page. About halfway through I felt a wave of sorrow come over me. I don’t know if it was the music, or if it was the image of the two brothers together but I suddenly wanted to cry. The strength of their relationship had just occurred to me and the thought that they would always have each other even if their entire world fell apart was gut wrenching. The fact that one brother knew the other was gay and was fine with it was incredible. And somehow, the thought of me sitting alone locked in my room out of fear that someone would by chance walk in and catch me looking at a suggestive [male] photo book seemed utterly depressing to me.

Movies and Arguments

I got back from watching Jumper with Wii awhile ago. I personally thought it was awesome. I thought the girl who played the older Millie should have been recasted. Young Millie looked like a sweet girl-next-door type and the older one looked like a whore. Not saying she was ugly or anything, but she was far from girl-next-door. I also thought that the ending was really awkward. It just seemed like it was an afterthought, and maybe a prelude to a sequel.

I totally forgot Jamie Bell was going to be in it. I was totally psyched when I saw his name in the opening credits. I’ve loved him ever since Billy Elliot. He was pretty much the highlight of the movie for me. His fighting tactics were truly epic and entertaining.

After the movie was over, Wii started to get all analytical. I don’t know if it was because he was bashing something I liked that got me so riled up, or maybe it was the fact that I was sort of in charge of this whole outing and he was giving me shit because he didn’t seem to thrilled with the movie but I drove to his house as fast as I could to drop him off. I just wanted to get away from him as quick as possible. On the way home I considered seriously cutting him off. I mean we don’t talk to each other much anyway so it’s not like it would be such a big deal or anything but this I guess, disappointment is very different from all the other times I was upset with him.

Before it was all self inflicted pain that caused me to dislike him. This is the first time that he’s actually done something to upset me. This actually killed whatever feelings I had left for him. I don’t know if I’m just overacting because he disagreed with me, or if I’m upset because he was making me feel like a jerk for having suggested an “entertaining but sub-par movie.”

He just kept nitpicking all these miniscule details and I just wanted him to shut up and talk about something else. Ugh. I don’t know how to deal with things. I know that I’m probably going to feel like a jerk for possibly blowing this out of proportion but right now I’m just tired of feeling like a failure.

Responsibilities and Networking.

Sometimes I feel a certain irresponsibility about myself. Certain things that I should be concerned about that I’m not. This past Monday I decided to skip my morning class since I stayed up late the night before. My dad had been making inquiries as to when I should go visit my great grandmother who has recently found residence at the hospital for some reasons I’m not yet clear with (I didn’t feel the need to ask). So when I was utilizing my free time that morning until my photography class at 3, he came into my room saying that we should go see her before she dies implying that it would be soon.

When we got there I felt a bit uneasy. Not really because I was going to visit someone on their immanent death bed but that I was surrounded by old and dying people. The air within the interior was heavy and thick very much unlike my experiences at other hospitals where the air conditioner was constantly turned on. When we got to her room, some of my other relatives were there already. I just stood by the dresser as far off as I could without seeming too cold or too eager. I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility towards her which does seem sad I admit, but it’s on the same level with the rest of my family. I don’t feel much sense of responsibility towards any of them. Just a few days ago my dad mentioned “Why do you act like a big brother towards Josh [my younger brother]?” My initial thought was Why? No one acted that way towards me.

Truth is that I’m afraid to make the first move. I’m afraid to do anything. I was out with an acquaintance Christina when she went to go get her eyebrows done. While she was in the back room her sister Mary needed the keys to the car and asked me to get them. We were standing there at the closed door which housed a do not disturb sign on the doorknob and I froze. I started to panic. I don’t like being put in a situation where I have to accept responsibility for my actions because I’m scared of feeling inadequate. It’s one thing to feel like I’m not worth it, but it’s another thing to hear from someone else that “Yea, you fucked up.” I did it anyways and I didn’t get yelled at or anything, but the fact remains that my initial reaction towards the situation was fear.

I know what made me that way, and as much as I want to blame him for it, what’s done is done. It’s pretty much up to me to say you know what, I don’t like being this way. But the thing about accepting that level of responsibility for oneself is the accepting the possibility that you may fail, and that terrifies me.

On another note, I left my contact info with the local gay club at my campus. I noticed two rainbow flags and figured why the hell not. Of course, it took me passing the table 3 times before I could even do anything, and the only reason why I got the nerve to do it was cause they were busy talking to another guy and I just stood there. Before I was very hesitant about joining one because I didn’t want to be associated with those kinds of people. I had it in my head that if I were to be apart of that sector of society that people would start to expect me to harbor all the stereotypes that come with it. But I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, or at least with that facet of my personality. That and the idea that maybe I’ll expand my network and maybe even meet someone of dating potential. Who knows? [Actually, the guys plus one girl at the booth weren’t that much to look at. But hey, that’s probably a good thing. The last thing I need is another unrequited love. And maybe one of them will surprise me.] And if I don’t like it, I can just get the hell out. No harm done. Because right now, I know of no gay people I could simply talk to or hang out with. All the ones I know are online and several miles/states away. And I’m tired of typing to a screen.

By the way, regarding that image in my previous post. That was for a Devil May Cry 4 contest up on gaygamer.net. And I won, along with 4 other people. Hooray for me. Finally a game for my ps3 entertainment center + games also console.

Contest Submission