Solider

Boss

The Office

It was my first day on the job. Corporate office type job. White walls, high ceilings, and several rows of computers. I was having a lunch break. This guy had it in for me. The boss came over. The guy mentioned something about me stealing stuff. So the boss started searching my desk. He found random office supplies like extra memo pads and another person’s name plate. He took it as a serious allegation but since I was new he felt it odd that I would immediately jeopardize my position there. So I was on probation. Of course I was innocent, but everyone else who fed on the rumors held on to the notion of me being a thief. A select few who I had made acquaintances with knew better, but for some reason, they only provided superficial support.

I was frustrated. I ran away for a bit to calm down. Climbing staircase after staircase until I was a floor away from the roof where an orchestral group held practices. I could hear the friction between the bow and the strings, rosin flying through the air. On the floor was a corridor that extended over road and connected to another building. Through the glass walls I saw a car accident that I hadn’t noticed initially. There was a black guy face down in the middle of the road. He was shirtless and had loose torn fabric covering his lower half, bloody. He was caught in the rain and headlights. When he tried to get up he was unusually well hung.

I tried to figure a way to get back at the guy who set me up. My group devised a plan to virus up his computer while protecting everyone else’s. But it didn’t pan out. Things just continued quietly and he didn’t seem to cause any more problems. One day the boss came around and started working with my neighbor and her computer. He gave me a password to write down so that I’ll remember it for future events and I couldn’t seem to write it right. I was trying to find scraps of paper to write it down on since all my supplies were confiscated. The guy, who sat next to me on my left, grabbed all the spare pieces of paper I was trying to write on. I eventually snapped and pushed his head down on the table and started to punch it. Not so hard as to cause any major damage, but just enough to prove a point.

He hunched over and held his head when I was done. Apparently no one saw or heard so when they asked him what happened, he just said a headache.

It turned out that everyone working for the boss was under some kind of mind control. He started sending guys to attack me. Back flip, back flip. Two burly woman in orange jumpsuits came at me. One of them was pregnant. If she was willing to fight me with a baby in her then that was her business. HADOUKEN.

When I got out of the building there was one more dark skinned woman in my way. I tried to fireball her she kept coming at me. So I started to kick and punch her back towards a set of stairs and pushed her down. As I was running away, someone called out to me. It was the guy who sat across from me. He was the one who helped me with the virus plan. The one who believed in me. Before I ran off, I embraced him tightly and kissed him. I could feel his tongue, the shock in his face. I smiled before I ran off.

I Saw A Cute Guy Today.

It was 4:36pm and I was on my way to class. It’s still sunny outside surprisingly and the weather isn’t as cold as it usually is. Nevertheless, I still decided to wear my knee length over coat. It would have to cool down eventually. It’s almost winter after all. He had dark hair. Short but still long enough to be shaggy. A white collar was peeking out of his blue sweater. Dark pants led down to an interesting pair of black leather boots. Ankle high I think. I was walking up the steep walkway just outside of the music building and he sat on the other side of the railing on the grass. I kept my glaze at bay looking down at the floor or off to the side at practically nothing till I willed myself to look turn my attention to him.

I caught his eyes for a moment before I looked away. In hindsight it seemed like a considerable amount of time but it was rather quick and indifferent. I couldn’t really feel anything out much less gauge his interest in me, if any. There was a distinct glare in his eyes, almost as if it captured the sun. As if I were seeing not him, but rather a barrier caused by the reflection of the light in his eyes. I was caught up with the thought of him that the guy I usually take notice of didn’t really matter much today.

I guess that’s just the result of having so much love to give and no one to give it to. It ignites in small bursts to what I recognize as the instant attraction I feel for these people. But when it all boils down to it. It’s just a matter of how strong that attraction is for me to take action. Then it becomes an epic battle between my head and my heart. I just hope that I’m fortunate enough to see him again next week, and the week after, and the following weeks to come. If only for the small reassurance that there is still some beauty left in the world.

Through Thick and Thin.

Funny thing.

Wii sent me a message on AIM Sunday. I checked my phone and I had missed a call from him. He asked me if I wanted to go to Beverages and More to check out their beer and maybe get something to eat.

While I was getting ready, Anna shoots me an IM. I’ve been avoiding her for the longest time though I didn’t want to come out and actually say hey leave me alone. I debated whether or not I should say something back to her. Eventually I caved in and decided to stop be such an ass. It was very light conversation and I made sure not to tell her anything specific about my life other than being in a band. If that’s the only thing she’ll relay to Joe then the highlights are all she needs.

The outing with Wii was nice. Bought some beer to try out, caught up on some stuff, had Mexican food. It ended kind of weird. We made plans to go to the gym on Thursday and he joked and said something about canceling. “Just like Halloween,” I retorted. “I was actually just looking forward to hanging out with Melissa.” I walked towards front door in a huff after mumbling something in disappointment.

It got me thinking: Why do I put up with his bullshit? I mean he’s a great conversationalist and nice to be around, but when shit hits the fan, I wonder if it’s friendship that brings me back, or deep down somewhere I still have feelings for him. I get that nothing will ever come of it and that’s fine with me. But when I react all hurt when he says that he was looking forward to seeing her and not me, you have to step back for a bit and wonder why that is.

I know for a fact that if it was anyone else, I would have clocked out a long time ago. I guess what keeps me coming back to him is that despite what’s going on with me, he always comes back for me.

Hm. I guess I should be thankful.

Friends.

I was sleeping in a big room. There were mattresses on either side of the room and in the middle was a bunk bed made out of ottomans or footstools stacked on top of each other. I was on the top bunk trying to prostrate myself so as not to fall off the small space. There was one guy on the left mattress, another on the bunk below me, and two more guys on the right mattress. I remember erasing the names off the things in the fridge just so I could check on them later to see if anyone had written their names back on. Just so I knew for sure I wasn’t alone.



I remember sleeping next to Wii. The room was a bright white with sunlight streaming through the windows. The beds were packed with down comforters. He kept trying to talk to me about all these random things but I wouldn’t respond, even though he knew I was still awake. Finally he kicked me in the back and I caved in a spoke. He asked why I wasn’t saying anything and I just said that I was tired and was trying to sleep, but we both knew that was bullshit.

Just the other night I had another dream involving him. We were in a classroom setting that took place in a video game store. I had sat down at a two chair desk behind him and Pudgy and he turned around and said something to me and I just looked at him, gave a little smirk and turned my head down. To add insult to injury, I started chatting up the girls next to me in an almost flirting sort of manner.

I don’t know if this is just run off from the guilt I have at intentionally keeping him at bay or what. I think part of the reason why I’m doing it is because I don’t want to disappoint him. I mentioned how he said that he was trying to reconnect with older friends, “not to say that you’re not doing a good job.” I tried to cut him off from saying anything else. “No no, I understand.” I did. But it didn’t change the fact that it still hurt to feel like I wasn’t enough. Then I’m just reminded of how Pudgy said before he left that he felt good about leaving Wii in good hands. I think that him leaving was an excuse to get sentimental because I don’t think he really knows who I am. Partly because I haven’t made an effort to show him other than that I’m not straight.

I still haven’t seen or heard from him since Halloween.

Pfft, Halloween.

Halloween was a bit of a disappointment, least initially anyway.

Start of the day I received two texts from Anna. Both contained a picture of her cat and a mention of Happy Halloweens. One of them came attached with an audio recording with both her and her cat making "meow" noises. I deleted them.

This whole lyric writing and composure business has got me really striving to find inspiration. Though sad to say that all my inspiration draws back to the... well, I wouldn't want to say the happiest time of my life but it was certainly a very significant pin point in my happiness road map. Of course with that happiness came an insufferable amount of pain. Despite my passive aggressive behavior, she hasn't gotten the hint that I don't wish to speak to her anymore. Nothing personal, I just don't want to incite the possibility that she might mention me to Joe in passing.

I just want to disappear from them both completely. And who knows, maybe I'll hear from him again and we'll carry on. Business as usual. Nothing personal.

Anyway, I received a text from a number whom I assumed to be Sherry. It has asked if I wanted to go to Halloween shooters tonight. I replied if my thing with Wii doesn't follow through sure. I'll call you. "Eric wants to know what thing with wii." It was Eric's girlfriend. I really have nothing against her, it just seems to me like she's trying to hard to be something different. As if to say, being quirky for the sake of being quirky. Sort of a similar reaction to a ghettoized white kid from suburbia.

In any event, the next text I received was from the long awaited Wii. I had been looking forward to this day ever since he mentioned it several weeks ago. His friend Melissa was supposed to come down from L.A. so we could go bar/club hoping around downtown. However, his text would state otherwise. Looks like melissa isn't coming. If you have other plans i suggest you go do them. I don't know what it was but it made me really upset and very angry. Maybe it was the fact that this flakey attitude I've received from this Melissa person was starting to irritate me because her not being there trumped an outing with a friend. Maybe it was because it trumped our outing that irritated me. He had mention something prior to that about how he's been trying to reconnect with some of his older high school friends, which I was ok with. I know I'm not the most exciting person to be around, but it's not like I go out of my way to be an imposition either.

Either way, it sucks to feel like you're not enough to keep the people you care about satisfied. There was just something to the tone of his text that just set me off. I felt like crying. I was in class and all I could mutter out was a simple fuck. I walked out and collapsed on a concrete block fencing and just lied there allowing whatever slipped out of my eyes to fall. After about a track or so from Ef's Give Me Beauty... album I dusted myself off and drove home.

My sister, her boyfriend and I ended up going out to eat. I was going to call it a night when Eric's girlfriend called me and off I went to Shooters. It was pretty dead. Some type of grunge goth bar or whatever. We ended up migrating over to some other bar that had karaoke. I chatted up a tipsy Peter Parker and took a picture of him, which he was pretty apprehensive about. Afterwards we went to a bar/lounge called the Pink Elephant where Eric and his girlfriend left me with his friend Manuel. It was a pretty awkward between us. Both of us aren't really the skilled conversationalists, but he made some efforts to keep us both talking. He kept trying to push me on all of these guys whom he assumed were gay but I had doubts about all of them.

One guy, Richard, I made an effort to talk to. Small talk. Nothing big. Very cute. He had this boyish face, was tall and built but I could tell he wasn't gay. Turns out we grew up around the same neighborhood. He took Tae Kwon Do. Went to SCPA. Was traveling to East Asian for about a month on business. They hit the lights and we were flooded with blinding fluorescentness.

Afterwards, we chatted up a guy, first "dude" then "party guy" then eventually Stopher, who said he was having an after party at a house near by. There were a few people there, but they soon left shortly after. I was waiting for a time when I could ditch Manuel to walk back to my car but I ended up staying. He and the other guy chatted up the girls, Manuel managed to get a number, and I bought a burrito before heading home.

Pfft, Halloween.



I think there was like one guy who got the reference. But I didn't chat him up enough to make sure. I know. Damn me. To everyone else I was a nazi communist hall monitor.

Costume Party

I kissed a straight guy.

Course, that was before I found out he was straight. I was checking him out and you know, all the signs were there. At least I thought they were signs. After that I was kinda worried about appearances cause I had a bit to drink already but I figure, I'm never going to see him again so whatever.

I didn't really know anyone other than the couple I came with, and they were somewhere else in the house fucking about. I ended up chatting with this guy Manuel. He was really cute. Good dancer. Had a certain attractive aura about him that drew people to him. I has asked Eric about his sexual leniency and he said it was questionable. So we got to chatting and we're hitting it off pretty well. I was glad he was being receptive to my conversational skills, or lack there of.

He then asked me point blank, "So, are you gay?" "Yes." "Wow. At least you're honest."

I was worried that that would have weirded him out. After he walked off to do whatever, I was laying down on the couch and he came over. He went on to say that I was still cool and he leaned over to give me a hug, twice.

Good times.

Family Ties

Usually I would wake up and find a 20$ bill taped to the frame of my door. Over the years father has found several ways to give me lunch money. I'd walk by, he'd call me over and pull a twenty. We'd exchange glances and go about our business.

I had just walked outside my room and the living room was dark. He had gone to bed. I looked over to my left and there taped to the frame was a twenty. I let out a scoff and shook my head. Why is this any different than when he did it before? I always figured it was because I was asleep and he didn't want to wake me up. But there I was, awake, lights on and everything, and he preferred to tape it to the side of the door rather than having to speak or see me.

Demon kid

Everwood: Kyle Hunter

As previously mentioned in my Emotions and Eyecandy entry, I uploaded the Kyle Hunter story from Everwood a couple days ago for your viewing pleasure.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=xaicho

Heroic Collateral

There were two parts to this.

The first part I just remember being in an amphitheater type setting. It was fairly dark but our eyes were adjusted. Only the glow of the projector and walkway lights were visible. There was an intensely sinister man on the bottom floor. Essentially, he was evil and a terror to all who was in attendance. We all knew we were in danger. People were crouched down on the floor. Some hiding behind the row of chairs, others off against the walls along the stairs. I was there on the stairs, lying down on my side clutching my sister. My back fully exposed against the sadist. She started to cry for my safety and soon I followed her lead.

The next, I was sitting around trapped in what seemed like a convention center. I had the threat of that man looming over my head. I was confined for my safety with some other people who were also concerned. I remember one of the other people being Pudgy. I remember we decided to make the move and go somewhere else more remote. The threats were piling up and the tension was building. He was going to make a move soon so we had to be out of there. On the road, it was night time and I remember being in the back of a sort of tow truck. The bed was lined with a comforter and several pillows that seemed to remain in place despite the impracticality of the set up. Pudgy and a girl sat together while this white girl with long orange hair sat opposite of me. I held on to her leg so she wouldn’t fall off the end.

It was almost noon time when we arrived at a series of condos. When we got there, we were settling down in hopes that the distance would have saved us. Then, towards the sky there were several smoke trails followed by a renegade airplane. We all knew something wasn’t right. If the group of super-heros were together, then something was amiss. So despite coming here for refuge, my body ignited and I began to soar through the air towards the calamity leaving my loved ones in the hands of someone who was heroically endowed.

The plane began to nose dive towards a shopping center in the neighborhood. Someone had spotted me and began pursuit. It docked outside a platform that extended over the parking lot. I struggled to fly higher out of reach but something was pulling me down. Thoughts began to fog my mind. My friends were doomed and I had lead them to the slaughter. I would die and they would follow shortly after. Or worse, I would live and watch them brutally murdered right before me. And it would all be my fault.

As I descended, a man walked out of the plane and headed towards where I fell. He handed me an entry slip for some contest and asked me to fill it out. He moved on to another group of people and handed them slips.

Woke up hot with chest tension.

Emotions and Eye Candy

So browsing afterelton.com, I came across an article. The icon is what drew me really. Next was the mention of a gay character on the show Everwood. A quick search on IMDB and I found an episode guide and the actor who played the character Kyle Hunter, a high school student hell bent on getting into Julliard. Not only is this kid seriously adorable, but his character plays piano. Jazz piano. Hot.

So a quick google on the name Steven R. McQueen didn’t yield much. But I torrented the entire 21 episodes of season 4. 7 of which he played a role in. Not much of an established character but the images of him swayed me to pursue it. So I had an Everwood binge today and I noticed something strange. Periodically throughout the various story plots, I found myself trying desperately not to cry. Many times in fact. But against my will, I shed a few tears here and there. Felt that all too familiar weight on my chest. The comfort of tissue. So much of it in fact that my nose actually started to bleed.

I don’t know if it was the show itself that started to stir these emotions in me or if it was just a catalyst that lit the fuse. Maybe this was remnants from Friday. Wii, Pudgy and I went to the gym. After we got out, we were walking back to my car and I mentioned that the film festival was coming soon. To which Wii responded, “So?” For some reason, that struck a nerve and I just gave up trying at all that night. I walked faster to my car leaving them both behind to talk amongst them selves. Much like I had done in the pool in fact.

I stayed quite and caught in thought for most of the night and they could tell something was wrong, but I just feigned fatigue. When we were eating at Denny’s, I went back into my old routine were I couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Parked in front of his house, Wii made a comment about me playing Jeanne D’Arc if I was going to stay up late again that night, to which I responded with some passive aggressive tactic and off he went. Pudgy went with him to get his phone. As I was waiting, I turned up the volume and got lost in the music.

Driving back, Pudgy asked me what was wrong cause it sure wasn’t tiredness. I stumbled over my words trying to find a way to not sound like a woman about it, but the bottom line was that I was hurt that he completely shot down my idea. It’s hard enough to build up the courage to even suggest it. It’s why I don’t bother asking him to do stuff with me because I know he’s picky about shit. But whenever he asks me to do stuff, I’m always supportive. I know it shouldn’t bother me because that’s the way him and Pudgy are together. They basically operate on peer pressure until the other person caves in. The problem with me though is that I’m not like that at all because I feel like I’m imposing.

All I know is that today was a tear fest. But I got a good amount of eye candy in. Got through 10 episodes and 4 of the 7 he’s in. So far no gay suggestions but at least him and Ephram are friends. He comes off as sort of a stuck up loner jerk but he’s just too cute for me to hate. He’s just so adorably tragic. I searched on Youtube for any clips but I didn’t find anything so I figure I’ll compile his clips together and upload it for the masses. I got my Craig/John-Paul and Luke/Noah fix from kind people who have taken the time to compile those. Figure I could do the same for someone who is late and curious, just like I was. Had second thoughts about it cause it would seem pedo-ish of me to compile these scenes of a “15 year old kid.” But he’s legal so it’s all good. And anyway, it’s more so for myself than anything.

Gotta love eye candy.

Two friends and a Gay Club.

I’m feeling sort of uneasy about the way things are going between me and Wii. Of course, this could all be in my head, but at this point, I’m sure it’s safe to assume that that’s the case.

So I hadn’t seen him or heard from him in awhile. We’d talk in little spurts but never anything too in depth. When we last left off, I noticed that I was acting sort of like a jerk to him. Just the things I’d say were probably a bit harsh despite being carried over with the intention to amuse. I think that I may just be expecting too much. I know that he shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything for me, but in my heart I still wish he would. I’ve played the self-loathing jealousy part too much for too long. And I don’t want to act that way towards him again.

My initial reaction is simple enough: just stop it. If he wanted to talk, he would sign on or call. If he wanted to hang out, then he’d ask me. The rest is self-explanatory. But with that logic, I would have to do the same thing. And I don’t feel like I can.

Me: and i'm not a gay lounge and club virgin anymore

Me: hallam foe

Me: it has jamie bell in it <3

Friend: ooo :o

Friend: neato

Friend: gay lounge and club virgin?

Friend: O_O

Friend: what's that mean

Me: meaning, i went to a gay lounge and club yesterday

Me: first time

Friend: o_o

Friend: oo nice

Friend: how did that go

Friend: =]

Me: um.

Me: the lounge was really cool

Friend: oo

Me: the homos know how to design a place

Friend: lol

Friend: xD

Friend: haha

Friend: were the stereotypical gay guys

Friend: scary

Me: but it was really pretty and really chill

Friend: ?

Me: um, I didn't really notice there, cause it's not really a socializing environment

Me: i mean, other than the people you came with

Me: cause you're secluded in tables and booths

Friend: ahh

Friend: that's really cool

Friend: :)

Me: sorta like a restaurant

Friend: so who did you come with?

Friend: yea

Friend: not club like

Friend: :D

Me: but from what i saw there were a lot of old guys

Me: i just went with two friends of mine and met up with their friends.

Me: i didn't really say or do much.

Me: he ordered me an apple martini

Me: and some peach champagne thing which wasn't all that great

Friend: appletini!

Me: but that was enough to put me over the edge

Friend: ahh

Friend: thats intense

Friend: xD aww cute

Friend: *pats

Me: yea i'm a super lightweight

Friend: aww

Friend: cute

Friend: XD

Me: so then we went to a club called numbers

Me: it was really dark and there were shirtless guys everywhere.

Me: but you couldn't really see details cause it was so dark

Me: I was trying to spark some interest in the two guys we met up with but apparently they weren't feeling me.

Friend: oo wow o_o

Friend: shirtless guys

Friend: ah

Me: so after a very slow start, I eventually made it out to the floor and danced till they closed

Friend: awww

Friend: how fun

Friend: :D

Friend: thats really cool

Me: got a work out

Friend: yea!

Friend: how awesome

Me: then

Friend: that's pretty pro dude

Friend: =D

Me: when we went outside, this bald spanish dude called Ernesto complimented me on my hair

Me: to which I said thanks and asked him for a hug

Me: hardest hug I've ever had

Me: like, I felt like I was going to break

Me: but it felt really good

Me: I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't

Friend: o_o

Friend: aww

Friend: how adorable!

Friend: thats a cute story

Friend: xD

Friend: gwarsh

Friend: hahaha

Friend: that made me giggle

Friend: how sweet

Friend: =]

Me: yea, it was good times.

Mask

Jealosy, and an Orgasm Inducing Room

I think I know why I’ve been in an off mood this morning, and last night even. Despite showering him with compliments, the news that Kaleb was possibly moving to Virginia to be with his boyfriend by the beginning of next year was somewhat upsetting. I don’t know why exactly. I mean, I hardly ever see him, or talk to him for that matter. Maybe it was the fact that he and I shared a significant moment in my coming out process; the fact that I’m essentially losing a spooning buddy (despite the inability to do so anyway now that he’s attached); or the idea that he’s moving on with his life with someone else.

This whole thing made me sorta pessimistic about the whole relationship aspect of this sub-culture. Even more so than the idea that anything long term is practically a rarity simply because it’s him. Anyone else I could be happy for. And I am for him really. But there’s just that small bit of anxious jealousy at the fact that he’s struck it rich with some guy who’s just as lucky as Kaleb is.

I hate that I’m responsive in such an unappealing manner. On the flip side however, my room is nearly complete in renovation. The walls have been painted and the laminate floor has been laid. I wish to have sex in what I consider to be a very sexy room. I used to envy people who had those types of rooms that were messy but still looked clean. I never had that, and I never knew why. Turns out it was mainly the rug. I could have a clean floor and it would still look like shit. But with these floors, I could throw some dirty clothes about, a few papers, couple magazines and still have the urge to simply lay down and embrace the artificial wood grains as I imagine hot sex on such a surface with these freshly painted walls.

That or sleep.

And as far as birthday's go, this one wasn't too bad. No cake this time, no big presents. Just 220$ and a necklace that my sister bought me for Christmas last year that broke which she had fixed. The family gave me a choice of eating out or ordering in, which I chose the former. Humored a health conscious place called Cilantro which offered a variety of raw vegetarian/vegan food choices. It was pretty good, but expensive. And I was full but didn't have that ickky feeling I do with the more unhealthy food choices. Topped off the night with a Corona.

Gay lounge to be attended Saturday evening with a friend and his friends.

A straight friend.

A straight friend who I used to have a heavy thing for.

Oh life you.

Oh, and decided to shell out the money for the best hair product in the world. The resulting awesomeness is thanks to Spice Sister's lite wax. <3

Avoider.

I haven’t seen much of anyone lately. But what right do I have to complain if I haven’t made an effort myself to reach out to the people I seek? I’ve put off writing cause further introspection into this sordid thought trail would prove to be of more harm than good. What was it that allowed me to find such repose from the trials and tribulations of day to day life through these words that seems to escape me now? What is it that prevents me from pursuing the things I love, the people I want to see, the life I want to live? What is it that gets me through the day?

I found Justin’s card a couple days ago. We shot a couple texts back and forth where he eventually propositioned an outing to catch up. I didn’t have it in me to reply. I got scared. The thought of being put in a position were I have to be ‘on’ and ‘alert’ makes me uncomfortable. I woke up to find a slew of missed calls and messages on my phone this morning, and it wasn’t until before a nap I decided to send a text that I wasn’t up to it. I haven’t looked at my phone since.

Mug Shot.

So I found out what that guy's name is who works at Henry's. I was in line and he was moving from register to register to bag. I was only buying a Red Bull so he moved on to the furthest line from me. So I asked the girl, "Do you know that guy's name?" "Him?" "No the blond one." "Who Jacob?" "Ah. Thanks."

Waves.

[04:03:19 AM] Me: i had this dream last night.
[04:03:44 AM] Me: I just remember driving along the beach
[04:04:06 AM] Me: and the waves were incredibly huge
[04:04:09 AM] Me: several feet high.
[04:04:42 AM] Me: when they'd reach their highest point, whales would jump out
[04:04:56 AM] Me: this was only like a few feet away.
[04:05:09 AM] Me: then the beach was littered with dead sea loins.
[04:06:03 AM] Me: then i just remember driving back but on a very thin gravel road in the middle of the sea
[04:06:12 AM] Me: close to the beach.
[04:07:46 AM] Me: speeding cause the waves would die so close to the path, so I was afraid it would take us out.

Haircut.

Moods.

I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone lately. Derek has been trying to get a hold of me through some of my IM accounts and I think I’m to blame. I don’t have the same feelings for him as I used to. I’m not capable of reciprocating the feelings he has for me. It was stupid of me to even think I could speak to him like I did knowing how he felt for me.

And then browsing the GG forums wasn’t helping at all either. I’ve developed a sort of crush on a particular member. I established contact for a brief period of time, but decided not to pursue it any further. I’ve been through this already; I’m not capable of humoring something long distance; and I’m foolish enough to believe that my flawed personality and my language can be the deciding factor that allows these feelings I have to be reciprocated. Seeing his photos on the forums or anywhere else for that matter is hard, because it reiterates the fact that this is a hopeless path and nothing will become of it.

I cannot even stand to read some of the compliments people are getting. I’m too preoccupied with my own shortcomings to even appreciate the attractiveness of some of the members, or support the enthusiasm they’re receiving. I don’t feel attractive and I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time. This is just something that has been with me ever since I was 12 or so. I feel utterly helpless and alone.

It’s just a multitude of things that have been affecting my attitude lately. The world is suddenly starting to cave in and I’m starting to realize the gravity of the situation I’m in. There has to be more in this life than what I’m currently experiencing and I need to find a way to break out of the prison I’ve created for myself.

For the time being I don’t have it in me to speak to anyone. I don’t feel the urge to talk. I just want to get through to the next day alive as quickly as possible.

In this entry, I stalk guys.

It was after rehearsal Saturday. It was a bit after 5 and I had yet to eat anything. My sister and I stopped over to the near by Henry’s, the local grocery store for the health conscious (not to mention the financially able). Walking over towards their deli section to get a sandwich, I noticed someone familiar. It was a rather tall and lean white guy. Short blonde hair. Ivory skin. With my 2.5 inch platforms I was almost as tall as him. I noticed him a few times prior and have made it a point to come back every so often just to get a glimpse of his stature. While I was standing at the counter, my sister was totally cramping my style. She was hanging on to me and holding my arm. All throughout high school, people always had the impression that we were going out because of the way we’d act. It’s part of the reason why I don’t really like hanging out with her much. The fact that she’s so clingy is kind of stifling.

Anyway, I guess the deli clerk was busy so I’m just standing there trying to preoccupy myself with something while in the back of my head I can feel like I’m being watched or something. So I leave in a hurry and pick up a drink. When I get back he’s gone. After I pay for everything I walk outside and hold the receipt with my lips while I put my wallet away. After I get done juggling, I throw away the receipt and to my left I see him sitting down against a pillar with two other girls. I hold his gaze for a bit before smiling and walking away.

Sunday, I went out to Target. After everything was said and done, I went to the registers and noticed this guy. He had sort of an edgy look to him: Very straight and shiny black hair up to his chin, black framed glasses, black slacks, and a red Target shirt. He was working the express lane so I couldn’t go to his station and just let it go. After walking around for a few minutes, I decided to run back in and find something else to buy in the hopes of seeing him again. He wasn’t there.

Instead I got this girl who looked like she hated life and wanted to kill herself after her shift. And even though I’m at her station, I’m still looking around. After I get situated, I stand near the exit to wait on some people, and I notice that he’s back at his register. He was helping this woman and the entire time I was just staring at him. After he was done with her and she walked away, he turned around and looked directly at me and I think, oh shit. I duck and take off running.

Inclass Doodle.

Old Friends and Fortune Cookies

I saw him this past Wednesday.

I made the drive over to his work; Balboa Ave all the way west towards Pacific Beach. I parked about 3 or 4 blocks away. He met me there outside of the office and we walked over towards Fatburger. He walked in front while I followed him. I noticed his hooded jacket, his dark blue jeans, and what looked to be a pair of new brown graffiti flat slip-ons. I didn’t say much until we got back to the office. My throat was running dry. Maybe from the lack of nutrients, or could it have been my nerves. Maybe it was because it was the day after I told him. Whatever it was for some reason I couldn’t get comfortable.

We sat there alone in the office, computers lined up against a wall, newspapers scattered about, books and files on the shelves in no particular order. We talked about a multitude of things, or rather he did. I merely provided an ear. Nothing about what we discussed the night prior. It was, a little upsetting I guess. Now that it’s out in the open, are we not supposed to talk about it?

His kindness. I loved and hated that about him. He spoke of how weird it was for me to shower him with stuff while I went through my period of obsessive affection. He told me back then to stop buying him stuff but I didn’t. I thought I was justified. I thought that he would see that I had him in mind. I now realize what a terrible approach that was in a desperate attempt to try and console his seemingly distraught mind. But he never treated me any differently. Despite the multiple fuck ups and awkward situations I created, he never acted differently towards me.

Sometimes I wish he would have. I wanted to get yelled at. Just some sign that I was getting through to him, even if it was negatively. At least then I would have been able to careen off that spell I had cast on myself instead of clinging at hope that one day I’d be more than just an acquaintance, more than a friend even.

I guess the universe, or the Chinese, wish to remind me that things aren’t so dismal. I’ve vocalized my opinion on the decline of fortune cookies and yesterday night, I happened to acquire one of the good ones:

Anime Expo 2007

This trip ended up being less about anime and more about taking pictures of cute and interesting guys I found attractive. So much fun. I didn't have it in me to ask these guys myself so I had a friend ask them for me. One day I'll build up the nerve. So, allow me to be superficial for a bit as I run through the polaroids.


He was one of the first ones I saw when we walked in. He looked cute in person but I think this photo borderlines hot. Sexy almost.


These boys had a sign up that said "Yaoi for pay." I thought it was pretty hilarious. I didn't get a good look at their faces but the humor made them interesting.


After running around outside for a bit to check on the cosplayers, I went back down to the exhibition floor to go scope out some other attractive people. By chance I bumped into this guy. He tapped me on the shoulder and said "You're Kaleb's friend right? It's me. His brother. Yea, I'd notice that punk rock look of yours anywhere." It took me awhile to remember his name and who he was because he seriously didn't look like the same person. Almost as if he had gotten older, or skinnier. I don't know, something changed. But it tripped me out that he recognized me and remembered who I was.


I don't know what it was about this guy. He just sort of attracted me.


I saw him walking around the floor and I wanted to stop him to get a picture of him, but circumstantially I couldn't. But by chance I saw him again and caught the opportunity. Looking at him now, he has an oddly shaped nose, but I swear, in person there's a certain aura about him that was pretty compelling. I also liked the color and cut of his hair.


I met this guy on a forum. It was pretty casual and I actually haven't heard from him in a while. I wanted to get in contact with him prior to leaving so we could meet up maybe, but I didn't know how to get through to him fast enough. By chance I saw him walking by and he just stood out. He's really tall and much more attractive in person. Shame that I couldn't spend more time together with him.

So yea, I have a thing for white guys these days. It used to be Asians before so who knows what it will be in the future.

Alone Together or Together Alone

I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) with Wii, Angel and Rohanie. While Wii and Angel went to do their routine, I went over to the pool with Rohanie. We didn’t really talk much and when we did, it wasn’t about anything important. Eventually, Wii and Angel came over and we ended up messing around in the pool a bit, rambling on about various things. There came a point when the two guys started throwing each other around. Wii tried to go under water and grab me so he could toss me around but he couldn’t see underwater I guess so he ended up just grazing the front of my legs. I suggested crouching on top of his shoulders while he was under water so I could push off when he came up. As I swam over behind him, I could feel my body get lighter, my nerves racing. Looking at his pale back I hesitated to touch it. As if the slightest bit of contact would cause my body to implode.

Getting out of the pool, there was a strange weight that seemed to have been gained during our 4 hour swimming session. We sat down in the sauna for a bit. It was more enjoyable than the first time actually. I guess it’s because we came straight from the pool instead of from the Jacuzzi. I sat there beside him. I wanted to grab on to his arm and lean against him. Not really in a sexual way, just for platonic body contact I guess. I actually had a dream circulating around the same scenario. I was sitting on his lap clutching on to his arm while my head was cradled next to his neck.

We started conversing online and it felt sort of like old times. I’d stay on the computer despite wanting to leave and do something else because I valued the conversation. I liked being able to talk to him like this. To be able to talk to someone in general about things. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to someone that I forgot how good it felt.

I got a reply from Josh, that 20 year old music major I messaged on myspace. I sent him a message about that movie Once despite not getting a reply to the introductory message I sent him. He just said that he'd check it out. I think he was just a fleeting crush. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. Despite wanting a relationship, I’ve been good about not clinging on to potential prospects. I’ve browsed ads on craigslist out of curiosity but never took up any offers. I’d find some potentials and consider sending a message out but then I get scared. More often than not, I fail to meet their specific criteria or the fact that they don’t have a picture up keeps me wary. Am I that shallow that I don’t want to meet someone because I’m afraid they may not be tolerable to look at? And I’m pretty lenient when it comes to looks.

I skipped lecture today and was considering skipping lab too. I mean, just the thought that I’d have to engage in conversation with Justin had me debating whether or not I should go. There are times when I’d like to just sit back and relax and not feel like I have to say or do anything just so things aren’t awkward. I feel pressured to be on and alert. And that got me thinking. Who’d want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Someone who desires another’s company but values their alone time?

Briefing.

Friday night

So Todd and them totally ditched me Friday. I had called him and he didn’t pick up. I sent him an IM saying happy birthday, no reply. So I’m like, ok. I’m going out anyway. I figured I’d call Christina to see if she was up for a movie. With her break up though, she was pretty adamant about not going anywhere (then she goes out with some other friends apparently a few days after that. Hah). But at the time it was like, it’s really not about me trying to cheer you up or get your mind off things. I just want someone to go watch a movie with. I know she doesn’t want to talk about what happened, which is why I didn’t bring it up. She didn’t even call me to tell me that they had broken up, I had to hear it from my sister. Whatever.

Anyway, I decided to go see Once over at the Landmark Theater in Hillcrest which turned out to be really good. Very moving. The music was great too. I felt like a drink afterwards so I decided to go walk around to see if something was open near by. I’m at the corner of University and 5^th when this older black guy is crossing the street. On the corner there’s this well dressed white guy in a suit with some luggage off to his right. The older black guy goes “Hey, do you need a ride? I can give you a ride” in this sly sort of speech implying something more than just a simple ride. And it just disgusted me.

After about a block, I decided to head back and just go to the Egyptian Tea House. They have open mic nights on Fridays so I wanted to see if anyone was doing anything. When I got to my car, there was this guy in a tank top driving by in some silver car. He glanced towards me and I looked back. And he turned his gaze in a very disinterested manner. I instantly felt scrubby. When I looked in the mirror I started picking out things that I absolutely hated and it just started building up with all the other things that had been going on.

When I get to the tea house, it’s packed and no one is playing. So I get a hot chocolate to go and that Asian girl behind the counter goes, “Oh hey. Guy with the cool shoes right? Do you have them on right now?” Then while I’m sitting down the familiar white girl says something like, “Your shoes make me happy. I get happy whenever I see your shoes and your cool hair.” And that wasn’t enough to bring me out of my funk. I drove home and called it a night.

Saturday

Mark had cancelled combo and I was pretty pissed about that. I’ve been looking forward to it since we preformed but it’s been two weeks now that he’s cancelled. But I had plans for later that night so at least I had something going for me. I ended up at Nathan’s graduation party which was pretty lackluster at best. I mean, no offence to him and his crowed, but if the only thing we do when we hang out is watch movies and play games it’s gonna get tired really quick. It would probably be a different story if I were into games like I used to be. So from the get go I wanted to just leave and go to the gym already as planned prior to the party.

So we get to leave and it’s Wii, Angel and me. After we got situated, Wii went to go do his usual routine on the floor while Angel and I went to the pool. Instead of doing laps, we ended up talking and after tip-toeing around the subject I basically said “I was never really into girls.” Then came on conversations surrounding the subject and other tangent topics. He kept trying to persuade me into telling Wii, saying that we’d be closer as friends if I were to share something so personal. I just have a lot of issues with that but it pretty much comes down to timing. I don’t want to be like “Oh hey Wii, there are two people in the room: you and me. Who’s gay?”

He was really flattered that I told him though. Flattered that I trusted him enough to want to confide in him, which I did, but it’s not like I planned on telling him. Ultimately it’s just easy to tell strangers. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

As of right now, I don’t really feel the need to tell him because it’s not really relevant. I tired talking to him the other day and was pretty standoffish. The whole reason why I want to tell him is because I want to build some sort of close friendship. I want to be another option for him rather than just Angel. But I don’t know. I don’t feel like he wants me as an option. Which is fine.

Oh well. What can you do?

Took this last night. It was one of the rare moments that I thought I looked decent enough.

The Grad Party

Last night was a fun. Sort of.

I pretty much bombed my chem. test. It was 3am in the morning and I hadn’t reviewed anything. Figured I’d take my chances and see how I could do on my own. At least I know what to expect from now on. I clocked out when I got home.

I was supposed to meet up with Todd at 9. Took a quick shower and headed out. When I finally found parking, I noticed Calvin walking out towards his car. I didn’t say anything and just went inside and sat down on the couch. He came back in with this surprised look on his face and asked, “Hey. How long have you been here?” “Just got here,” I said. After eating half of the burrito Todd had bought for me, we left to go over to Vons to pick up some beer. He got a call from some girl named Sandy. So we detoured and went to her place first instead of the grad party.

She was a really cool girl, very pretty, attractive, Asian, curly hair. But not my type at all. Supposedly she’s a 24-hour stoner or something to that extent. She’d be a cool friend though. Nick was with her too. I thought they were a couple but they turned out to be just roommates. He was a tall 25 year old white guy, into tennis, in some medical related field. She introduced me to PeterAnswers.com which seriously blew my mind. Calvin and his girlfriend Chrissy came over. By this time I had 3 shots of whisky and was already feeling lightheaded. We eventually went downstairs to the party.

It was a pajama party. You had some people in bathrobes, towels, and sweatpants. We went in there fully clothed. I had a jello shot with raspberry vodka and two shots of vodka. This girl tried to talk to me. We caught each others eyes and she walked over to me and started talking. Her name was Fallon, Computer Science major over at UCSD. She looked like one of those angry Asian women. After some brief introductions, and a compliment about my hair, we just sorta stood there. And I cursed myself for being so unsociable. So I went to put both of us out of our misery and said I was gonna throw my cup away. She walked back to some other people and started dancing with this guy. Good for her.

When we left, I was feeling really dizzy. I ended up on the floor in the stairway trying to steady my head and my stomach. Chrissy went to get me some water and after she did, I hobbled downstairs and tried to walk back to Todd’s place as he kept me stabilized. I crashed on his couch.

What sucked was that I couldn’t fall asleep despite being unable to keep my eyes open. I was conscious enough to take notice of everyone leaving for work or whatever in the morning. Around 10 or 11, Todd came down and we ended up talking a long time about stuff. Actually, it was mostly just him talking to me about stuff. Even when I was at the door ready to leave, we were still talking but at that point I felt more involved in the conversation.

But yea, I took my burrito and left. His birthday is next week. Should be interesting.